Think about some of what you would love to get from your partner. Who wouldn’t like to feel loved, known, understood, and appreciated? If that sounds ideal, you are in search of emotional intimacy. It is one of our most fundamental needs and also one of the four types of intimacy.
Developing emotional intimacy with your partner is a skill that can be learned. You will, however, be required to up your game when it comes to attributes like empathy, trust, vulnerability, and communication. The results and rewards are well worth the effort.
Other Types of Intimacy
To better understand emotional intimacy, it’s helpful to first define intimacy in its other forms:
Physical: Yes, this includes sex. But its range and scope must include all the many ways to express sensuality.
Intellectual: You can openly share thoughts and opinions without fear of rejection. You value each other’s ideas.
Experiential: A couple builds experiential intimacy thanks to what they do together. This could include traveling, watching a movie, cooking, and so much more.
Part of developing and deepening emotional intimacy includes the emphasis you put on all the above.
Emotionally Focused Intimacy With Your Partner
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we prioritize attention to the emotional underpinnings of the relationship. Our shorthand is A.R.E.: Attentive Responsive, Engaged. You can see an article I wrote giving more detail on what that is. In short, A.R.E. Stands for:
Attention - Are you willing to look up from your phone to even talk to me?
Responsive - Can you respond to me because of me, or are you going to give me some kind of canned answer? “Yes, dear. . . “
Engaged - Is what I say important to you because it’s important to me? Are you interested in my experience?
When you see your partner or spouse practice A.R.E., you get a feeling of intimacy. There is intimacy in your partner being responsive to you. There is intimacy in your partner signaling you’re important.
Practical Tips for Emotional Intimacy with Your Partner
Listen Without Judgment
Think about your mouth taped shut. Talk only enough to practice active listening. You may want to judge something they say or do. But practice listening only. Real listening happens so rarely that people pay me to do it. It improves peoples lives this much.
Practice Conflict Resolution
Accept disagreement as inevitable. See it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Put in the work to develop solid conflict-resolution skills. Use your empathy to see how they might feel that way, and tell them that.
Practice Gratitude and Appreciation
Do not let a day (or an hour) go by without acknowledging how grateful you are for each other. Express that gratitude out loud in the form of appreciation.
Create Traditions and Rituals
Do things your way and do them on a regular basis. It’s an excellent way to stake out your own personal, private space in this chaotic world.
Do New Things Together
Even with the best intentions, things can get stale. Pledge together to stay curious and open. Try new things together. You’re co-experiencing an event, which can be an intimate experience for people.
Touch Each Other
Of course, having an exciting sex life is wonderful. But think about how many other ways to stay physically connected:
Eye contact
Hugs
Handholding
Cuddling
Giggling
Massage
As stated above, physical intimacy has the power to reinforce emotional intimacy.
Be the Go-To Person
Whether you get good news or bad, make sure your partner is the first person you want to tell. They are your go-to person for celebrating, grieving, brainstorming, or having a good laugh.
Direct, Steady, and Healthy Communication
Keep the lines of communication open. No subject should be off-limits. This is the foundation from which you can resolve problems and deepen your bond.
Commit to Improvement Together
Getting an outside perspective can sometimes be precisely what you need to fortify your emotional intimacy. This is why so many couples commit to counseling together. In the presence of a skilled and unbiased guide, you can learn so much about what changes could dramatically enhance your relationship.
If this post has sparked some curiosity about your own situation, we should talk. Let’s connect soon for a free and confidential consultation.
If you are in Minnesota, find yourself confused and worried about connecting with your avoidant partner, I urge you to reach out. Let’s set up a free and confidential consultation to get things moving in a positive direction. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.