Think about all the many factors that go into creating a healthy, sustainable relationship. Then think again. Make a list if you need. But how long would that list get before you’d write down something to do with “power differentials”? It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue but it has the potential to seriously impact your happiness.
If an imbalance of power exists — even when you don’t consciously acknowledge it — you are at risk of resentment and conflict. These differentials can be virtually invisible dynamics. They can also be shaped by societal norms. Either way, they really need a closer look and a better understanding.
3 Types of Relationship Dynamics
Demand-Withdrawal
There are plenty of memes making the rounds that focus on husbands who avoid talking about relationship issues. This is known as the demand-withdrawal dynamic. One partner “demands” such conversations. They need to talk about plans, changes, and the future.
Unfortunately, the other partner avoids such topics. Thus, the tug of war begins. The demand-withdrawal dynamic not only causes conflict but contributes mightily to marital dissatisfaction.
Distancer-Pursuer
On one level, it’s fascinating to observe how differently two people can feel and perceive. One spouse (the pursuer) may crave intimacy and actively seek it out. Meanwhile, the other spouse (the distancer) feels smothered by this pursuit. Welcome to another tug of war. The more a distancer is pursued, the more withdrawn they become.
Fear-Shame
This differential is a little tougher to recognize. It dovetails with the dynamics described above but the underlying emotions make it feel worse. Both partners are profoundly but unknowingly influenced by either fear or shame. This is a recipe for avoidance which, in turn, creates distance and conflict.
All three of these power differentials are considered to be strong indicators of divorce. And then there are dynamics imposed by the culture at large.
Societal Power Differentials
Many of the categories can blur into the other but the general possibilities include class, age, race, sex, and education. In a society that favors men over women, that can be an issue for a male-female couple. The same could be said if one partner is white and the other partner is not. Age differences can possibly create imbalances as can wealth or education gaps.
This is not to say all such differences are problematic. But it is always wise to be aware of them and do regular check-ins. Left unchecked, societal power differentials are just as risky as emotional differentials. They can poison a connection without either of you realizing it.
Managing Power Differentials in a Relationship
Identify the Power Imbalance
Unless and until you shine a light on the imbalance, it will continue to fester. In fact, having a dynamic that is invisible generally increases the power it has over both parties.
Identify the Unhealthy Patterns
Recognizing the imbalance is just part of the work. A major key is to identify the patterns it has created. Working with an unbiased guide in a therapy setting allows for the patterns to reveal themselves.
Establish New Patterns
From there, you’ll want to work — as equal partners — to replace the toxic patterns with healthy new relationship habits. This will require some trial and error, but both partners can get what they want and need.
Commit to Productive Communication
The secret sauce is a collective willingness to keep the conversations going in the healthiest possible way. Topics that are open for discussion are topics that cannot build negative momentum.
What Are Your Power Differentials?
Life is complicated and relationships are hard work. There is no shame in needing support and guidance. If you think power differentials might be stifling your connection, let’s connect and talk soon.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples, go to my marriage counseling page. If you are needing help and are in Minnesota, I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.