During the honeymoon phase of a relationship, the compliments are flying fast and furious. You’re both on your best behavior, while some traits are casually overlooked in the name of excitement.
“I can’t believe he likes water! I love water too!” You say with genuine glee.
As time passes, you get to know each other more intimately. That’s when you remember that no one is perfect. All is well, but you may get into more disagreements.
Compatibility is vital for any couple, but so is an understanding that you won’t see eye to eye on everything. Thus, you find yourselves at a crossroads. Will you find ways to navigate differences or will get too picky in your relationship?
What is Nit-picking?
“Nits” are lice eggs. They are tiny tiny things, and people have to squint to see them. So being nit-picky is picking on small things about a person or their behavior that may seem unreasonable. So what is it psychologically, though?
Criticism
Nit-picking is a small form of criticism. It’s finding fault with someone and relaying that usually by voice, but it can be non-verbal too. So how do we give feedback without criticism? Surely we have to be able to advocate for ourselves in our relationships?
Yes, but it takes a different form. John Gottman famously cites Criticism and Contempt as 2 of the 4 Horsemen of Relationships that can bring about the end of your relationship. (The other two are defensiveness and stonewalling). The definitions, via their own pdf linked document above is:
Criticism: Verbally attacking personality or character.
Contempt: Attacking a sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse.
How Do I self-Advocate Without Criticising or Attacking?
There are two methods that work, but they both have this in common: they are vulnerable. Without this vulnerability, none of this can work. If you try to squeeze vulnerability out of it, you will be just as disappointed as you are with your current method.
Method 1: Ask For What You Need.
I practice Emotionally Focused Therapy that helps couples understand the underlying emotional process that’s sabotaging their relationship. The number 1 thing is:
Ask for what you need. Isn’t asking your spouse to stop screwing up the grocery runs asking for what you need? Here are a couple of examples that highlight the difference between criticism and asking for what you need.
Criticism
“Why can’t you get the half and half like I put on the grocery list? I put this on the list and you missed it the last 2 times. It’s the one thing only I use and you can’t bring yourself to get it.
Asking For What You Need
I really need you to pay special attention to the half and half. At first it was a grocery list, but by now, I’m starting to feel ignored by you. Are you needing something else other than the grocery list? Are you mad at me?
The major difference here is that you’re starting from your need. It’s an inherently more vulnerable thing to ask for what you need because the other person can say ‘no.’ Boxing matches don’t have two people in a constructive dialogue in the middle of the ring because it’s a fight. When you begin the interaction with a vulnerable request that possibly may not be fulfilled, it gets the other person to calm down.
You’re not coming out punching, so they don’t have to come out defending. Imagine the boxing match with one person saying,”I really need you to respect my space. Right now I’m really hurt.” That doesn’t happen because they’re fighting. Asking for what you need sends a signal that you’re not fighting.
Method 2: The Feedback Wheel
Terry Real has great resources for people who need methodology that they can take and directly apply. I’ve already covered the feedback wheel in my feedback without fighting post. I won’t cover the whole feedback wheel in this post. The most important part of the feedback wheel is the second of 4 parts called “The Story In My Head.”
The Story In My Head
The Story In My Head is about telling your partner the thoughts you struggle with, while simultaneously acknowledging that it’s a story that you made up. It allows you to tell them that you own that it is of your making, but that you’re still struggling with it, and it’s likely affecting your relationship.
For the most comprehensive guide, look at my feedback without fighting post. But a short version of the whole feedback wheel looks something like this:
Step 1: Say what Happened
When you don’t get the half-and-half for my coffee for the third grocery list in a row,
Step 2: The Story In My Head
“The story in my head is that you don’t care or you can’t listen to me when you’ve messed up the grocery list 3 times.”
Step 3: How It Makes You Feel
I know you don’t mean it the first time, but then the 3rd time? Abandoned by you and trapped because I don’t know how to get across to you that I need this from you. And I feel terrible nagging you. I don’t feel like I can complain, which makes it worse.
Step 4: Make a request
I want to know why this is so hard for you? Why can’t I seem to get your attention?
Nit-Pick No More!
When we nit-pick, two things happen:
We annoy our partners and distract them with that annoyance.
We don’t get our message across - we increase the chance we don’t get heard.
Using one of the methods above will help you change the way you get your point across to your partner. It will help you feel heard, it will help you feel like less of a “nag” and it will help your partner feel close to you. If you feel pickiness and trivialities are getting the best of you, let’s connect for a free consultation. I’ve been helping couples hear each other for over 12 years.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn how to get unstuck, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.