There’s an idea that if you’re sleeping apart, there’s something wrong with your relationship. As with just about everything in life, things are never that simple. Every relationship contains multitudes—especially during a pandemic.
On the surface, of course, a couple sleeping apart appears to be a sign of underlying problems. Sometimes, that is the case and we’ll discuss a few reasons for that below.
However, when you scratch past the surface, there can be many very positive reasons for such an arrangement. We’ll get to those reasons soon, too.
When Sleeping Apart is a Bad Thing
Again, there are too many factors to list but here are four common red flags:
Punishment: If one of you is using this as a threat or form of punishment, obviously there are demons to be confronted here.
Loss of Intimacy: When a couple stops having but doesn’t want to talk about it, they may choose to avoid the topic in dramatic ways.
Addiction or Deception: One of you may want to be alone in order to engage in drinking, gambling, pornography, or online flirting.
Contempt: You may feel: The less time together, the better. At this point, it may feel too intimate to share a bed.
If any of the above resonates, you and your partner need some professional guidance — as soon as possible. If none of it rings a bell but you’re sleeping apart, the next section may apply to you.
When Sleeping Apart is Not a Bad Thing
Surveys and studies often find at least one-quarter of married respondents admitting they’d prefer to sleep alone. Here are just a few of the very good reasons why this is the case:
Sleep Disturbances
Your partner may snore and let’s face it, this can be a nightmare. In addition, you may not be in synch in terms of sleep patterns. Or one of you may be a toss-and-turner.
Scheduling
Not everyone works nine-to-five. Plenty of folks have erratic work schedules and thus, erratic sleep schedules. It could make simple logistical sense to not sleep in the same bed.
A Room of One’s Own
If you’re fortunate enough to have two bedrooms, it can feel like a sanctuary at times. Now that so many people have shifted to work-from-home, it’s essential for partners to have some solitude and privacy.
Helping to Keep the Peace
After a fight, you both may have trouble regulating emotions. I’m not a big fan of keeping a fight going, as in the classic “never go to bed angry” advice. If you keep arguing when you’re fighting, you can just be digging a bigger hole. To repeat, everything could use a sanctuary.
If you’ve tried sleeping apart, ask yourself two questions:
Is our sex life is still satisfying?
Do we still feel connected?
If you answered “yes” to both, then sleeping apart is clearly not a bad thing at all.
If Something Is Getting In the Way of Sex
I put this in its own section because it’s a big issue that many couples, especially with newborns, face. The vast majority of my couples, whether heterosexual or ame-sex, have issues talking about sex. This is a critical part of sex, as when things don’t go right, you need to be able to talk about how to resolve things. If you want more details, check out the bigger article on how to talk to your partner about sex.
70-80% of my couples sex problems stem from a misunderstanding. You may be experiencing a partner with lower sexual interest than you and assume that it’s because you’re not as attractive as you once were. In fact, that’s often not the case. In fact, that’s often not the case. Often times, it is because there are a lot of “turn offs” happening at the same time that they’re still attracted to you. Turn offs can be as simple as having to manage pickups and drop offs for the kids, managing after school activities, managing things at work, while thinking about the weekly menu.
It’s like having too many browser tabs open by the end of the night, and it interferes with their ability to connect through sex. It’s important you talk about it because this can be one way you find out how overwhelmed one or both of you are.
How Can You Try Sleeping Apart Without Causing Problems?
Despite all the valid reasons, it can feel daunting to introduce any suggestion of separate beds. I can help you with that because couples therapy can help you with that. As with any life change, it helps to talk and prepare in advance. Your weekly sessions are ideal for having this conversation.
Based on surveys, there’s a good chance both of you have pondered sleeping apart, anyway. The key now is to get the idea out into the open and have a productive discussion. If any of the above reasons—good or bad—clicked for you, we should talk.
If you want to know more about couples or marriage counseling, visit my page on marriage and couples counseling. I’m near Southdale Mall in Edina, so If you’re in Minnesota or the western Minneapolis area, I can help you directly. You can call me at 612.230.7171 for a free 15 minute consultation, email me on my contact page, or click on the button to schedule a free 15-minute phone call. I have a passion for couples and I’d love to help. Take good care.