Disagreements and even arguments are a normal and inevitable part of any relationship. In many cases, fighting can even be helpful. To change a system, conflicting ideas need to be aired so that both people can co-create the new system. That being said, “fighting on repeat” is something people rarely savor.
This fighting on repeat carries two characteristics: They can be surprising when they happen, and yet have a real familiarity because of how it goes down. Here are some reasons why you may be getting that repetitive feeling to your fights (and the eye rolling that goes along with it)
Problems Are Ignored
As touched on above, it can cause damage if you get stuck in a loop. One of the ways that you can get stuck is if one of you is really good at avoiding the issue. Because don’t we know that when things calm down, we can talk more calmly and hurt fewer feelings?
This is true. When couples get too heated, all that you’re doing is reacting to anger. and hurting each other. Yet, you may not be getting to talk about your issues ever. Entirely avoiding the conversation leaves the other person in a lurch by the very person who is supposed to have their back!
Denial
It can be really hard to hear criticism. It can be really hard to hear your partner’s pain. So denial can sneak into your conversation. Trying to convince them that “it’s not that bad.” Or trying to say “look at the bright side.” are different, nicer version of denial. They can get your partner to increase their effort by either fighting more, or withdrawing more.
Anger
Your most common fighting might be about something like taking out the garbage. It may be safer to focus on something minor rather than digging deep and being vulnerable. The majority of my couples report having had some breakup-level fight over squeezing out the sponges. But it’s not really about the sponges.
What’s actually eating at you? Are you feeling dismissed? Are you feeling unimportant and pushed away? Are you feeling disrespected? These emotions may be driving you to use anger to get the other person’s attention, but in doing so, you damage the relationship and hurt your partner.
Buttons Are Being Pushed
Each of you does something to trigger the other person. In almost all of the couples I see, each person is triggering the other person. What does this mean? Each of you can go into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. This mode happens because you’re in relationship survival mode. When it’s someone as important as a lover, co-parent. best friend that is either attacking you, or leaving you behind, you gather up all your resources to deal with the situation.
It might not feel like it, but that shutting down, fighting, or going away is serving a purpose. In ancient times, if a bush rustles before a lion jumps out, the next time you see a bush rustle, you’re going to run like heck. This allows you precious seconds and lets you survive to fight another day. These are survival mechanisms, but they are not nuanced responses. In modern times, it doesn’t serve your relationship to simply run away.
What to Do When the Same Argument Keeps Popping Up
Flip the Script
If you already know in advance what you’re going to say, you surely know what your partner is going to say. So… what if you flipped the well-worn script? You recite your partner’s line. You might even do so using the precise tone of voice and body language. Then, of course, it’s their turn. It can be quite enlightening to see what you look and sound like.
If this feels too confrontational, you could shoot a video of your repeated argument. Either way, you’re bound to have a new perspective when this exercise is over.
Be Aware of Timing
Not every time is a good time to bring up a delicate topic. Part of what triggers the same old fight could be a lack of timing awareness. What would it feel like if you postponed the fight until both of you were in a mellow state of mind? This could turn an argument into a discussion.
Imagine this: Scheduling disagreement time each week in advance. It can take the volatility out of a conflict. It might even take the conflict out of the conflict. In such a space, you may feel more comfortable digger deeper. If so, read on…
Dig Beneath the Surface
It can sound like a broken record but your repeated fight is probably a decoy. You argue about washing dishes when the real issue is a lack of trust.
You squabble over who has to drive your child to soccer practice but avoid mentioning a recent loss of intimacy. Your peace of mind will not be restored until you dig past the surface issues.
Do You Need a Script Editor?
In couples counseling, you can bring your “fighting on repeat” dynamic to your sessions. With the help of an experienced mediator, it’s a lot easier to recognize the rut.
From there, you will have an unbiased guide to support you as you explore the frustration. Most importantly, you’ll be in a safe space to shine a light on why lies beneath the dog-eared fight script.
I’ve worked with many couples who tell me the same arguments keep popping up. This is not unusual and nothing to be ashamed of. However, it’s also not something to be ignored. Let’s connect and talk about it. I invite you to set up a free and confidential consultation at your earliest convenience.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.