It can be hard to “get over” an affair. . .
Some couples experience an affair and it’s not new news. Maybe it’s been a while since the reveal of the affair. And perhaps your spouse has already apologized, but for some reason it keeps coming up. It may even come up during the most inopportune times, like when you’re fighting or when you’re feeling most alone.
“I’m the one who was wronged” you may say. At the same time, there may be a big part of you that wants to get over it. Maybe you really believe your spouse or partner’s apology in your head, but your heart still can’t let go. Here are six things that may be in the way:
You will likely need to ask for the affair to be over. If marriage was an exclusive agreement, or a covenant for both of you, now is the time to ask for the end of the other relationship. Why? Both people really have to be “in it to win it.” You’re trying to re-establish an attachment bond. If there is an affair, that affair partner only has a small slice of life with your spouse. They don’t have to see the ugly day to day stuff of life. Picking up kids, waking up to soothe a baby, helping kids with homework, etc. All of that can seem very magical when not dragged down with the day to day details of life. What you’re asking your partner to do is be “all in” and commit to resolving your disagreements and deeply listen, and that’s hard to do when there’s a magical (and unreal) relationship like an affair going on.
You may need to ask for a level of access few people feel comfortable with. Some affairs get revealed through email or text or social media. When it’s unclear where the next betrayal will come from, it can be hard for you to commit to working on it. Be clear on what access you need to feel safe again. And it has to be agreed to without reluctance. Both of you need to be bought in that you want trust to be regained. This isn’t coercion - your partner gets to choose whether they want to do this or not. Even if they committed the betrayal.
The apology may not be specific enough. If someone runs over your foot, then backs up and runs over your other foot, tells you they didn’t do it, then comes to you later and says,”I’m sorry,” will that stick? Probably not. Because there are so many hurts in that. First, there was injuring you in the first place. Then there was injuring you twice. On top of that, there was the fact that they weren’t careful with you after messing up in the first place. THEN there was the invalidating insult of telling you that you were wrong about being injured in the first place. Then, if they lied about their perception, that’s painful too. Does one apology cut it? Probably not.
Your partner might be wrapping a beautiful candy in an ugly wrapper. Your partner may be apologetic but says it with a resentful tone or resentful “tail” at the end. A key indicator is “but…” with something justifying they’re hurt by that may feel like they’re justifying their actions. Resentments can build up for your partner, even though the hurt can be most visible on you. So sometimes the genuine apology gets lost in the midst of fighting words. It doesn’t take much, just a trigger.
A message of “let’s get past this.” This message can feel invalidating to the person’s hurts, almost seeming like a message of “Your pain isn’t important to me.” This message can be received as a very dismissive message.
You may not feel safe in your relationship. There are ways in which the metaphor of a “bomb” going off for the non-affair involved partner is appropriate. This bomb feels incredibly destructive and painful, there's disorientation, and there’s a lack of trust in the future. If you have experienced your partner or spouse having an affair, you may not be feeling like there’s enough assurance that they want to repair the relationship with you. Here is the challenge - asking for what you need to move forward. Remember that part about being asked to “get over it?” Well, you get to ask what you need to increase safety so you can move into repair with them. We’ll see some things I recommend below.
All of these things can interfere with your recovery from an affair. Overcoming some of these hurdles can be hard and sometimes it can feel impossible. Accepting coaching from your partner or spouse to change your approach is difficult because they were the one that hurt you. If some of these reasons resonate with you but you just can’t change it in the moment, I recommend talking to an Emotionally Focused Therapy - trained therapist. I’ve found EFT interventions helpful to reduce the underlying emotional processes that hijack relationships. You can see more on my perspectives on Affair Recovery on my Affair Recovery Site.
If you’re near Edina in the Twin Cities area, you can reach out to me via phone: 612.230.7171, email me using the contact form on this page, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone call with me. I look forward to talking with you.
Take good care.