Triggers are anything in the present that are close enough to things in the past that dropped you into fight, flight or freeze or fawn.

Romantic relationships can be like a rollercoaster ride, with ups and downs. But it's not about avoiding those downs; it's about how we deal with them. Because we come from different families than our partner or spouse, being able to repair is more important than avoiding hurts.

Sometimes, one big obstacle to fixing things in a romantic relationship is something called shame. And when that shame is directed at ourselves, it can make fixing things emotionally really tough.

I understand that people feel like they’d be opened up to criticism somehow if they go into couples counseling.  I do bring experience and training into the sessions.  The distinction I draw is that I’m discerning what’s going on.  I’m not trying to judge the people involved.

I like the definition of empathy from The Greater Good Magazine the best. It is: The ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.

The most common mixup with empathy is to mistake it for sympathy. Empathy is you putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. This is opposed to sympathy where you’re letting them know you’ve experienced what they’ve experienced, and you know what it’s like.

A lot of the people I meet are high-achieving, high-performance individuals.  They’ve performed well in their careers because they’ve been extremely effective problem solvers.  But now in their relationships, they’re stymied because they can’t logic their way out of a disagreement about how to load the dishwasher. 

… it’s a generalization that has damaged a lot of heterosexual relationships because the woman in the marriage doesn’t get to feel supported by their husband, and the husband doesn’t feel heard by his partner.

I deal with a lot of people who poo-poo the need for emotions. Funny that happens to a therapist, huh? Most of what I see as “logical” in my sessions with couples is really avoidance. See my post on being logical vs. being withdrawn. But I really wanted to address some reasons why some leading thinkers proposed that we evolved emotions in the first place.

While logic has its place, fostering better relationships requires us to cultivate emotional intelligence. This vital skill involves understanding and managing emotions, both our own and those of others.

“I’m scared my spouse doesn’t love me anymore,” Is a refrain I’ve heard time and time again as a therapist. But I don’t often hear it in the company of the other spouse. Most often, I hear it in private, when I meet with the members of a couple individually so that I can hear honestly how they experience their relationship. It’s a heartbreaking admission, both for the person saying it and for me.

Owning your pain means saying that there’s a reason you’re feeling anger. Some people will recognize they’ve hurt their partner, but not recognize their own hurt. Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve to have pain when you’ve caused your partner pain. Maybe you’ve had the experience of the expression of pain “causing a fight” and keep it under wraps. But what happens when you don’t express it? When you deny that it exists? When you feel like you don’t have a choice but to “stuff it.?”

One powerful tool to navigate these difficulties and foster a deeper connection is understanding each other's love language. Popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman, the concept of love languages sheds light on how individuals express and receive love uniquely. How can understanding your spouse's love language significantly impact and enhance your marriage?

We make ourselves more vulnerable to our spouses than anyone else. The greater vulnerability we have with another person, the more we have to care for it and maintain it, lest it deteriorate. That’s only one of the reasons why apologies are important in marriages.

Trauma sucks. It messes with your head and affects every aspect of your life, including your relationships. In this article, we'll dive into how trauma can mess up your connections with others. It's crucial to understand these things so we can be more understanding, communicate better, and heal together.

Trauma can have a profound impact on your neurological functioning, often leading to the development of triggers. When I explain triggers to couples, I tell them,”Triggers are anything in your present that is close enough to something in your past that dropped you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.” (see my article on what fawning is)

In any relationship, communication serves as the foundation for understanding, empathy, and conflict resolution. However, when anger arises, it often acts as a significant barrier to effective communication. Here’s how your anger can interfere with conveying your point to your spouse, leading to misunderstandings, escalating conflicts, and a breakdown in communication. By understanding the detrimental effects of anger, you can employ strategies to overcome these obstacles and foster healthier and more productive interactions with your partner.

Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, and even the happiest couples find themselves embroiled in heated arguments. After a fight with your spouse, it is common to experience a range of negative emotions, including pain. But normalizing that pain is the second step to finding peace in your marriage.

…Fawning refers to a coping mechanism that individuals may employ when faced with overwhelming or traumatic situations. Follow me as I delve into what fawning is from a trauma perspective, exploring its characteristics, underlying causes, and potential impacts on individuals' lives and relationships.

The First Step To Peace In Your Marriage: Recognizing Your Own Pain

The journey towards peace and harmony in marriage begins with the recognition of our own pain. By acknowledging and addressing our inner wounds, we lay the foundation for healing, growth, and a renewed sense of connection with our partners. Here are some of the ways that recognizing your pain helps improve your marriage. . .

The expectations for what roles each spouse needs to fulfill in their marriage have never been greater. In modern society, expectations have climbed higher and higher. As a result, there’s more stress in couples and more opportunity for conflict as a result.

I joke with my clients that 100% of my couples have been raised in different households, so injuring one another is inevitable even if you’re the most well-meaning couple. As a consequence, I believe the skill of apologizing is more important than avoiding injury. In fact, if you’re telling yourself you’re doing something to “avoid injury,” you’re likely withdrawing instead, which can cause more harm than good.