Understanding Fawning From A Trauma Perspective
When it comes to discussing responses to trauma, most people are familiar with the concepts of fight, flight, and freeze. These trauma reactions have been widely explored and studied. However, there is another response that often goes unnoticed, and it's called fawning. Fawning refers to a coping mechanism that individuals may employ when faced with overwhelming or traumatic situations. Follow me as I delve into what fawning is from a trauma perspective, exploring its characteristics, underlying causes, and potential impacts on individuals' lives and relationships.
Understanding the Basics: Fight, Flight, Freeze
Before we delve into fawning, it is essential to have a basic understanding of the other three trauma responses. When faced with a threatening situation, our body's automatic defense mechanisms kick in.
Fight: The fight response involves a person actively confronting and combating the perceived threat. It can manifest as aggression, assertiveness, or a strong desire to protect oneself or others.
Flight: The flight response is characterized by an intense urge to escape or avoid the threatening situation altogether. People experiencing flight may feel restless, anxious, or an overwhelming need to flee from the source of danger.
Freeze: The freeze response entails a temporary shutdown of bodily functions as a way to protect oneself from perceived harm. Individuals in this state may become immobile, dissociated, or experience feelings of numbness.
Introducing Fawning: The Fourth "F"
Fawning is a response that often emerges in individuals who have experienced repeated or prolonged traumatic events, such as abuse, neglect, or ongoing domestic violence. It is an adaptive strategy employed to ensure personal safety by appeasing the perpetrator or threatening individual.
Characteristics of Fawning: Fawning is primarily characterized by an extreme focus on the needs, desires, and well-being of others, often at the expense of one's own needs and boundaries. Individuals who fawn may adopt a people-pleasing attitude, constantly seeking approval, and attempting to avoid conflict or confrontation. They may engage in excessive caretaking, agree with others even when they disagree, and suppress their own emotions and opinions to maintain a sense of safety.
Underlying Causes: Fawning typically arises from a deep-rooted fear of rejection, abandonment, or punishment. It may stem from early childhood experiences where the individual learned that their survival depended on placating the dominant figures in their lives. This response mechanism can become ingrained as a way to manage and mitigate potential harm or danger.
Impact on Individuals: While fawning can provide temporary relief or a perceived sense of safety in traumatic situations, it can have significant long-term effects on an individual's well-being. Fawning often leads to an erosion of one's sense of self, resulting in feelings of disconnection, low self-worth, and a lack of personal boundaries. Individuals who fawn may struggle with asserting their needs, developing healthy relationships, and experiencing genuine emotional intimacy.
Impact on Adult Relationships:
While the fawning person’s nervous system is attempting to placate the other person, it may not come across that way. The distress and sudden shift in a partner’s intention towards placating doesn’t feel good to partners who want equality. In addition, partners of someone who is fawning often feel that their personality has suddenly changed, which may cause the partner to recoil. This can start a pattern where in response to the recoil, the fawning partner may fawn even more intensely. This dynamic can spiral upwards and can distress relationships because the partner of the fawning person may feel constantly responsible for the other person’s emotional stability.
Trapped In A Time Machine
If you are fawning, it can feel strangely familiar. Perhaps you learned this in your family of origin. Many people do. For a child, fawning can be a very helpful adaptation to childhood neglect or trauma. Getting a grownup to be on your side can be an important survival strategy. But now fawning can feel to your parters that they’re responsible for your welfare.
This isn’t a surprise, because it once was a signal to grownups responsible for your welfare. But since you’re now an adult, it will degrade your relationship over time, making your spouse or partner “feel” like your parent. This will likely reduce the sexual intimacy you have, make you feel patronized, or get them to feel like they’re taking on “another kid.”
If you want to steer your relationship away from the effects of fawning and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I’m in Edina, MN and can help you understand the underlying emotional patterns in your relationship that may be getting you to fawn. If you want to know more about couples counseling in general, see my couples counseling page. ou can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.