Like all emotions, jealousy is normal and basically inevitable in small doses. If handled productively, jealousy can lead to positive outcomes for you and your partner. However, far more often, jealousy is rooted in past issues and can cause a wide range of issues. This is why it is so critical that couples talk openly and honestly about their feelings.
The stress of jealousy can be kept to a minimum if you’re both committed to the effort. You will be required to show some patience and vulnerability, but the results are well worth the work. Let’s explore some of the basics.
How to Talk to Yourself About Jealousy Problems
Manage Your Emotions
You can experience any emotion — anger, fear, lust, and yes, jealousy — without having to immediately act on it. The better you get at emotional regulation, the more likely that your spouse can understand what you actually need.
Identify Underlying Issues
Are you experiencing low self-esteem? Did you struggle with jealousy as a child and/or in past adult relationships? Jealousy grows from these feelings and experiences. It is often rooted in some kind of insecurity. You may be feeling under threat when jealousy rears its ugly head. Naming your emotions is the first step in managing them.
Recognize Your Needs
Your needs cannot be met if they remain unspoken. In fact, they may even remain unspoken to yourself. Before discussing jealousy with your partner, get in touch with what you want and need.
Reduce Triggers
You may already be aware that a) you trust your partner, but b) your experiences are shaping your perception. Hence, it is essential that you be vulnerable and admit this to them. From there, reduce the likelihood of triggering past emotions. For example, your partner may have a friend who spurs feelings of jealousy. Take steps to avoid contact — in real-life or online — to avoid being triggered. Look to the “feedback wheel” section below to address this with them.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Jealousy Problems
Be Ready to Be Wrong
You can feel jealous, but that doesn’t mean your partner is guilty of anything. Let this reality guide you as you move forward to talk with them.
Express Yourself Clearly and Respectfully
While you do the critical work on yourself, you can introduce the topic to your partner. Let them know what you’re feeling. Make clear how important it is that talk about this. Agree together on a time and place for a discussion. Avoid impulsive or rash behavior and trust your connection to help you address your concerns.
Use “I” Statements
There is a huge difference between expressing fear and making an accusation. It starts with the first word you use. “You always do this or that” is an accusation. “I feel insecure when I see you do this or that” is an expression of vulnerable introspection.
Use The Feedback Wheel
I’ve written about how to use “The Feedback Wheel” from Terry Real. Read the article so you can see the complete steps that will help your spouse or partner hear you better. What’s the tldr version? When you talk about what the other person did to provoke your jealousy, you can use the phrase “the story I make up in my head is. . . “ This phrase allows you to talk about what you are grappling with along with taking responsibility and owning that it’s something that is pinging around in their head. Here’s an example.
“When you talk about George at work, your eyes light up, and the story in my head is that you are in love with him. I want to know what, if anything is going on with him?”
The hard part is having a conversation afterward about real feelings your spouse may be having about the other person. It can be hard for them to say they have no feelings. It can be hard if they say they don’t. Understanding the part that’s their behavior vs. your reaction is really essential.
An Unbiased Professional Guide Can Be Very Helpful
Having conversations about jealousy can feel like navigating a minefield. They are fraught with danger. Jealousy can also lead you to behaviors you will regret, e.g. spying on your partner, checking their phone, etc. A therapist understands all this and is not there to judge or take sides. Working in individual or couples therapy is a proven path for resolving conflicts that are daunting.
I’ve worked with countless couples in scenarios like this. As they develop coping mechanisms and communication skills, the tough conversations get less and less tough. When you lead with compassion, vulnerability and empathy, you more easily find common ground and a healthy resolution. So, if jealousy is causing rifts between you and your partner, we should talk. I invite you to reach out and schedule and free and confidential consultation.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.