Sometimes it’s really hard to be in relationship and ask for what you need. At times, it’s easier to be ambiguous and not really ask because it means not really risking anything. It means never being rejected.
But there’s a real cost to that. It means that it’s more likely that your request never gets seen as a request. So you don’t get what you thought you were asking for. Let’s say you wanted to go on date with your spouse or partner. You want it to be just the two of you, without the kids, so that you have some romantic time. You want to look lovingly into their eyes instead of talking about the 6th grade science fair project
A Path To Aloneness
Jenna and Mark are two parents with two kids and a full life. Jenna works as an Emergency Room doctor and Mark works as a medical device engineer. Jenna isn’t quiet. Mark is. Jenna wants to resolve differences as soon as possible. Mark wants to wait and let the temperature die down.
It Starts With An Attempt
For Mark, he’s had a hard time with the amount of sex they’ve been having. They may talk about having sex, but it only ends up happening about once a month. But he’s no spring chicken. He knows that badgering her doesn’t work. He’s also done enough work on himself that he knows he doesn’t just want an orgasm. He wants closeness, connection and intimacy.
He does everything he can to create that “magic moment” between them. Chief among them is arranging a date where they have babysitting and they can have a great meal, followed by a great romantic experience. Everything gets built up. And yet so often, it fails. Now Mark just makes little requests, because failing at little things sees less risky.
Now It’s Just A Soft Suggestion
“Hey,” he says as Jenna is brushing her teeth and getting ready for work,”I was wondering if you might want to get a happy hour drink before we have to pickup kids today.”
Jenna is swiping on her phone looking for a work email she has to reply to.
It Keeps Failing
“Let’s talk about it…”she says, looking at him briefly,”I’m really up to here right now and I can’t tonight.”
“Oh sure,” Mark says. He walks away deflated, but doesn’t say anything. This isn’t unusual. This is their typical exchange. 3 years ago, Mark would express his frustration when they both laid down for sleep at the end of the day. But Jenna felt like it was “just another thing” she had to do at the end of the day. Mark propositioning her for sex seemed like a task. It didn’t seem fun, just more exhausting after an already exhausting day.
Now It’s So Ambiguous, No One Sees It As A Need
So after a few heated exchanges about how “we don’t even have sex anymore!” Mark just stopped asking. Which took care of fights. But doesn’t take care of the fact that Mark longs to be close to his wife. And that the main way to that closeness for him, the way to love is sex. Mark shares this with most men in the US. The overriding equation for them is sex=love. And it hurts to contemplate that your spouse doesn’t love you anymore. So for someone who’s used to avoiding confrontation and hard feelings, Mark stuffs it, and makes increasingly quieter bids for her affection. How are you supposed to say,”I’m scared you don’t love me anymore?”
So his requests get hidden more and more behind this cloud of ambiguity that make it harder and harder for Jenna to respond to his actual need. And Mark gets more and more disappointed and gets more encouraged to hide his responses.
What happens is that a gap grows between two people. When people couple, they are agreeing to a social contract: “I’ll look out for you and you’ll look out for me.” When your spouse stops responding to your needs, you start getting lonelier because both of you are no longer acting as a couple.
If this is happening to you, know that you can stop it. Sometimes professional help can get you out of the ambiguity smokescreen and help you ask for what you truly need. If you want to know more about how I think of couples, go to my marriage counseling page. If you are needing help and are in Minnesota, I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.