Let’s get something out of the way right off the bat. It’s not uncommon for a couple to fight during therapy. Couples disagree and sometimes, that leads to conflict—regardless of the location. In particular, couples therapy is designed to draw out underlying issues and unspoken truths. So it happens and there’s no reason to feel shame or fear about such a scenario.

The essence of fighting is that both people are attempting to “break through” to the other person or “calm down” the distress in the fight. As one person tries harder to “break through,” the other person tries to “calm down” even more, causing a spiraling pattern. I talk about it in my article on spiraling.

As with all conflict, it could even turn out to have hidden benefits. Too many of us are conditioned to see fighting as the first step toward a break-up. I like to think of it as an opportunity to re-organize. Have you ever seen a road being repaired? There might be some “deconstruction” in the initial phases as the workers prepare the surface for a new concrete or asphalt segment. It looks a mess, but it’s a necessary part of reorganizing and making something better.

Learning What To Do With Anger

Tensions are running high and the stakes feel even higher. Both partners want to be heard and validated and reassured. This is often because both of you “see” the other person as the enemy. This is because there’s an injury for both of you. Maybe you’re seeing your spouse or partner shut down. That can feel like they’re giving you the silent treatment. Maybe you’re seeing your spouse get really loud. That can feel threatening. As one example, these both can be a result of overwhelm.

Fortunately, there is no better environment for this kind of resentment to surface. You may be fighting with your spouse or you may feel like they’re picking a fight with you. In either case, you are in the presence of someone specifically trained to handle contentiousness. As mentioned above, you will quite likely end up learning a whole lot from the experience.

What to Keep in Mind If You Fight During Couples Therapy

Very few people want to fight. Even fewer want to be involved in a confrontation that involves raised voices, accusations, and worse. Fighting in front of your therapist, however, can be the ideal way to make progress and develop skills. To follow, I’ll offer just some of the potential benefits and lessons available to you:

The Importance of Taking a Break

If you and your partner have slid into a cycle of fighting, it can feel like the argument never ends. Part of this is because no breaks are taken. Everyone needs a “time-out” every now and then. Stepping away to cool down and regroup reduces the odds of a disagreement trying into a battle.

When the conflict happens in a session, it is a golden opportunity to examine:

• The patterns each of you fall into

• How the fight makes you feel

• Listening skills

• Body language

• Word choices

Conflict De-Escalation

In your sessions, all three of you can speak theoretically about conflict resolution. When a fight happens, all that theory must be translated into practice. Here is some tools I help clients use:

• Why going slower will let you go faster.

• Using Terry Real’s Method of the Feedback Wheel.

• The Importance of cooling off and how to do it.

Without an unbiased mediator, it can be tricky to see past the emotions. Within the context of a couples therapy session, such analyses flows more naturally.

Giving Your Therapist a Closer Look

As the first two benefits and lessons highlight, this scenario gives your therapist a window into your relationship. This is not to say you should pick a fight in therapy.

However, if that happens, it can assist the counselor in offering more valuable input. This turns a negative moment into something positive.

Your Therapist is Not Judging You or Taking Sides

When I witness a couple fighting in a session, I’m not looking to assign blame. I’m carefully watching as your dynamics play out in the heat of the moment. Again, you need not feel shame.

Partners inevitably clash and this is not automatically a bad omen. Fighting in therapy is a chance to better understand what you argue about and how you fight. It also provides a glimpse into the state of your conflict resolution skills.

Therapy is a Workshop

During your sessions, you can let down your guard and take some chances. This is often the path toward progress and repair. I invite you to take the first step on this important journey. If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.