Couples Therapy is the identification and resolution of problem patterns that hijack the relationship. What might make you “too young” to do Couples Therapy?
If the commitment to the relationship is too low to really put energy into changing your behaviors. If you are “newer” in your relationship, it may be easier just to say,”Maybe we’re not a match.” That is one interpretation of “too young.”
What might make you “too old?” for couples therapy? Perhaps you just don’t want to change. Loading the dishwasher the way you want to load it may mean more to you than the relationship. If so, then that’s ok too. You may be “too old.”
But if the relationship is important enough to you, and you’re willing to see that some things must change when you have two people in a household, couples therapy might be just what you need. Committing to therapy as a couple is one of the most powerful teamwork steps you and your partner could ever take. It can be the first collaborative step you both can take together to resolve some of the fighting or loneliness in your relationship.
Is It Possible to Be Too Old or Too Young for Couples Therapy?
As we age and as our relationship ages, the concept of “set in our ways” really hits home. Being older means that we've become experts at some things in our life. Often times our job roles have taught us that we can even be recognized experts. So it can feel discouraging to be making "rookie errors" in your relationship. But that simply may not be your fault. People learn how to do relationships first in their family of origin. And usually just by watching examples growing up. Very few people actually study relationships.
Sex education in the United States really is education about body parts, not about the complex lead-up to sex. Most of us are left to figure it out on the fly. We meld evidence we get from couples we know and from pop culture. The resulting stew is not always delicious or nutritious. With that in mind, here are some reasons why you’re never too young/too old and it’s never too early/too late for couples therapy.
1. Learn New Skills
You can teach new tricks to dogs of all ages. As touched on above, none of us get instruction early on about communication, conflict resolution, and more. Couples therapy—at any age and at any point in your relationship—is a workshop on relationship skills.
2. Debunk Old Myths
Running parallel to skill learning, you will be guided to challenge relationships myths. There is so much fake news out there related to topics like:
Fighting and arguments
Sex life and sex problems
Love at first sight, soul mates, and happily ever after
The list goes on and so does the unnecessary heartbreak. Your therapist will work with you to challenge conventional “wisdom” and see the world with new eyes.
3. Prevent Problems from Growing
The longer you’re together, the more likely this is. It takes constructive energy to maintain a relationship. In Minneapolis, I-35 was built but not maintained properly and collapsed as a result. This is the same thing with relationships. Other things in life will demand your time and attention. This will pull you both in different directions. It takes time, energy, and desire to keep you both moving on the same life path, in the same direction.
4. Developing Trust
Both partners must feel safe and heard. They need a feeling of mutual trust in order to be vulnerable and fully honest. It’s not easy to tell a loved one that you don’t feel trust. Your weekly sessions are a safe space for such crucial exploration.
5. Creating Closure?
Yes, there are instances when a couple is headed for a break-up. They may feel the time for talk is over. On the contrary, many couples can spare themselves (and others) a lot of pain by working together toward closure. It doesn’t have to be like a bad romantic comedy where every “ex” is a virtual demon. You can move on as partners but maintain respect and friendship.
One More Important Factor
In good times or bad, it helps to become familiar with the concept of couples counseling. It can reduce your fighting or emotional distance now, and change the structure of your relationship so you can more easily heal your relationship yourselves. You do not have to be at a specific point to try. Your relationship does not have to be in shambles for you to make the call. Connecting now, as a team, demonstrates the kind of commitment and open-mindedness needed to thrive in any relationship.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on a path to repair. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.