If you’re unhappy with how things are going in your relationship, aren’t you supposed to complain? Isn’t that sharing your feelings. Yes and no. Sharing your primary feelings like loneliness, fear, hurt, joy, and sadness can be productive. Sharing secondary emotions (even through non-verbals) like frustration, irritation, annoyance, anger, and rage can be really confusing and unproductive. Complaints can be the start of a fight, and that’s not productive.
Sometimes you can tell that your language changes. It may get more black and white, taking the form of “you always” and “you never.” Do you know what the purpose of a fight is? To hurt the other person. Hurting the other person, even if you’re hurt, isn’t productive.
3 Ways Complaining Can Put Stress on Your Relationship
1. It’s Criticism
Being Critical is one of the 4 horsemen of marriage, according to a leading Marriage researcher, John Gottman. What? How are we supposed to let the other person know something isn’t working for us? There is a method for asking for what you need without criticizing your partner or spouse.
2. It Leads to Conflict
Relationship problems are normal and inevitable. These problems can lead to conflict. Complaining about the problems and the conflict they cause also leads to more problems. Combine this with #1 above and you’ll be swimming in a stew of negative energy and arguments.
One of the reasons why it can lead to conflict, is that the criticism can land on the other person like an attack. When that happens, people can enter into a fight, flight or freeze mode, which then prompts a reaction from the other person. This goes on and on, until it “pops.”
3. Emotional Distance
No one wants to swim in a stew of negative energy and arguments. The seemingly logical option at this point may be to detach. One or both of you withdraw and let the issues simmer in silence. This scenario is too often exacerbated when one partner complains about the growing distance between them.
Everyone has limits, and everyone can get “burned out,” no matter how hard you’re trying in your relationship.
How to Compromise and Set Boundaries
There are many components of a healthy, sustainable relationship. One of these is conflict resolution. To resolve the inevitable conflict requires productive communication skills and a willingness to compromise. To follow are important factors that can contribute toward such goals.
Self-Awareness
When we complain about anything, we are conveying our needs—whether we can identify them or not. The same is true when we find ourselves disturbed by complaining. Therefore, it is crucial to do the work to recognize what lies beneath the complaints. The more we know about what we’re feeling, the better we can set boundaries.
Make Sure You’re Not Fighting
If you’re irritated, frustrated, annoyed, angry or enraged, you’re probably giving off non-verbal cues that tell your partner or spouse that you’re about to fight with them.
Check your body language, facial gestures, postures, etc.
Be aware of your vocal tone and inflections
Stay conscious of timing when it comes to talking about difficult topics. Ask if it’s a good time to talk.
Check Your Expectations
Are you being realistic? Are you setting yourself up for a fight? This is where compromise comes in. A successful relationship is the merging of two selves to create a healthy bond. By definition, this means you can’t always get what you want.
Prepare in Advance
If there’s something important you need to talk about, don’t rush into it. Think about what it is you wish to say and accomplish. Seriously ponder the concept of boundaries. Remember, you have every right to look out for your needs. Just take the time to grasp how you want to approach such discussions.
Be a Teammate
Just because you’re upset or things have hit a rough patch, it doesn’t mean you lose sight of who you are to each other. Interact with compassion. Express gratitude as often as possible. Stay connected during good times and bad.
Specific issues can infect other aspects of your connection. That’s why it’s so important to address issues as soon as possible. Couples counseling is an excellent venue to begin the work of de-stressing your relationship. Let’s talk soon to get this process started.
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts on couples counseling, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. I’ve worked couples for the last 11 years, and if you’re in Minnesota, I can help you and your partner too. I’ve worked with and helped couples complete their treatment effectively through the worst of the Covid pandemic. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.