Are you paying attention? If you’re spending time together while one or both of you are swiping your phones, probably not. There are eight billion strangers on this planet.
The person who we trust the most, our partner, is the one that can see and hear us the best. Bonding happens when both of you have a shared emotional experience. Repairs happen when both of you get the “feeling of being felt.” This feeling of being felt is the basis for all modern talk therapies and is the major healing ingredient.
The most important investment you can put into your relationship is attention.
Why Does Attention Matter?
You love your partner. A big part of that love involves you showing your partner how much they mean to you (and vice versa). Perhaps the best way to do that is attention. Everyone needs validation. Everyone is busy. So, making sure you always take time to pay attention to your partner is like a non-verbal “I love you.”
Some of What Happens If You Don’t Pay Attention
Losing That Connection: You run the risk of forgetting how to pay attention. The little moments go by unnoticed. This usually translates into a weakened connection.
Self-Esteem Issues: The person who means the most to you is not prioritizing you. At first, this will provoke frustration and resentment. Over time, that can transform into a decrease in self-worth.
Less Intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy are all about paying attention. Losing this part of your connection can lead to more self-esteem issues. It also makes your relationship more vulnerable to infidelity.
5 Ways to Pay Better Attention
1. Do Not Make Assumptions
Don’t assume they are or aren’t paying attention. Check-in with each other. Ask them if they want to talk and if this is a good time.
2. Make Your Needs Clearly Known
Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Communicate your needs directly. This not only safeguards your mental wellbeing but may also kick-start a conversation about attention.
3. Set and Enforce Tech Rules
None of us are immune to the allure of our devices. Scaling back screen time can be as difficult as pledging to eat fewer desserts. Team up to make this happen. You’ll enjoy more focus on each other.
You’ll also experience a deeper and richer quality of life overall. P.S. When you are on your phone, be sure to make time to interact with your partner on social media and/or send them a playful text.
4. Tune Into Your Partner’s Signals
Your partner may crave attention and not even realize it. Or they may realize it but not feel comfortable talking about it. Therefore, this need may be expressed in other ways — sometimes counterproductive ways, e.g.
Passive-aggressive behaviors
Less intimacy
More time on their phone
Less talk overall
5. Ask Questions/Stay Curious
Show interest in the details of their lives. Keep track of their upcoming events and be sure to wish them luck and ask them about it afterward. Again, don’t assume you know what’s going on in their head. Ask them to share their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. And if things start getting out of hand, meaning one of you is getting “touchy,” check out my article on “going slow to go fast.”
When Your Attention is Waning
Paying proper attention is a skill. Like any such skill, it can atrophy without enough use. Thus, you may discover that you need some coaching to get your attention muscles back in shape. That coaching is best found in the form of couples counseling. I’ve sat with many a couple that needed an attention refresher course.
Setting aside that time every week is a crucial commitment to each other and to your future together. I’d love to help you with this reconnection.
If you want to find out more about how I think about couples, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, email me through my contact form, or book yourself for a free 15-minute phone consultation by clicking on the button below.