Healthy relationships require a healthy amount of forgiveness. Everyone screws up. Both you and your partner are no different in that sense. Of course, we must remain diligent to screw up as rarely as possible. But once you have done something you regret, this is where forgiveness enters the chat.
Perhaps the most important element of forgiveness is offering an authentic apology. I’ll explain further below but, for starters, there must not be a “but.” “I’m sorry, but” does not set the stage for deep forgiveness.
Considering the types of emotions stirred in a relationship spat, this is not as simple as it sounds.
Delete the “But”
If you’re saying “but,” it’s likely you have resentments that haven’t been resolved. I’m here to normalize that for you. If you’ve been fighting for a while, you have resentments that haven’t been addressed by your partner. That’s only natural.
If you’re apologizing and not finding your apologies landing, then you can’t have the “but.” You can have the chance to tell your partner how you’re hurting later. But it’s really most successful if you can apologize and reduce the temperature between you two. This increases the likelihood of them also apologizing for their mistakes. Otherwise, the “but” will just perpetuate your fight.
You can have your “but” if you wish to continue fighting.
The 3 Components of an Effective Apology
Accurate identification of the pain your partner experienced
The connection between their pain and your actions.
“I’m sorry I did (x)” NOT “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
With these components in mind, let’s flesh them out, along with some other elements of the proper apology.
Appreciate Timing
Your partner may not be ready to hear your apology. They have the agency here. If you’re hurt them, they get to decide when they’re ready to hear you out.
Show Remorse
Take responsibility for your actions. As mentioned above, you are not apologizing for your partner’s feelings (“I’m sorry you feel that way”). Find the words you need to let them know you are fully aware of what you did and how it caused pain.
Make Amends
Put your remorse into action. Find out what needs to be done to rebuild trust.
Ask for Forgiveness
Do not take for granted that your apology has been accepted. Even if it is, do not take it as a sign that your actions have been condoned. Forgiveness is an ongoing dialogue between both partners.
On the Other Side: Forgiveness
Feel What You Need to Feel: Patiently work through the pain before moving on to the forgiveness stage.
No Gossiping: Don’t go telling others about what your partner did. While you’re at it, erase revenge as a useful tactic. Stay respectful.
Stay Humble: The tables just keep turning. Bear in mind that it will be your turn to apologize sooner or later.
Let it Go: Once you have accepted your partner’s apology, it’s time to move on. No more blame.
Relationship Resolutions
You may be thinking that this all seems too complicated for a simple “I’m sorry.” In reality, apologies and forgiveness are complex interactions when performed effectively. To learn these skills, it is extremely useful to work with an experienced guide.
Couples counseling is a safe space where partners can hone such skills.
In relationships, conflicts and mistakes are inevitable. What’s not inevitable is allowing these events to sabotage trust and respect. Committing together to therapy is an ideal way to demonstrate your desire to evolve.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.