Go ahead, ask any couple what they view as important to a long-term relationship. In the beginning, sure, they might start with lust. But it’s a word that rhymes with lust that all partners will eventually put on that essential list.
Trust is a pillar. It’s a foundation. Trust can take a long time to create. Then, in a flash, you can lose it. Therefore, it’s not an exaggeration to say that every couple must put in daily work to maintain that sense of assurance and security.
Sometimes, though, the toughest part is recognizing what impacts your trust.
3 Common Issues That Impact Trust in a Relationship
1. Mixed Messages
No one should expect their partner to be like a robot. But, without some consistency, it can be difficult to deepen your bond. A component of trust is a feeling that you can rely on each other.
2. Deception of Any Kind
I like to re-frame this as betrayal. There are countless areas where transparency is required. Finances, co-parenting, dealing with in-laws, and sex. If you are not actively lying, but are omitting information because you don’t want your spouse to find out, that’s called a “lie of omission.”
3. Neglect or Abuse
Physical abuse is an overt example. But trust will weaken in the presence of:
Neglect
Verbal abuse
Contempt
Disrespect
Gaslighting
The issues listed above are challenging but mostly obvious. A different struggle lies in uncovering the trust-related factors that often go overlooked.
3 Overlooked Issues That Impact Trust in a Relationship
1. Your Past Attachment Styles
This issue can fly very much below the radar. How you learned to attach as a child stays with you. This attachment style can be created in a climate of mistrust. When you grow into adulthood and find a loving partner, your past can still play a role. Even current events can form an attachment style, e.g. an ex-partner cheated on you.
Good news: You can change your attachment style. It’s a task best performed with the help of a seasoned therapist.
2. Social Media and Online Life
You may dismiss this as superficial…but it’s not. Social media and its myriad algorithms are reshaping how we interact in every realm. Especially during the last year or so, many of us are relying on virtual communication. This is convenient but not without many pitfalls, including:
You cannot discern tone and nuance from a written social media post
We are missing out on important fact-to-face cues like body language, vocal inflections, and facial expressions
As a result, you can assign any meaning you wish to something as mundane as a “like”
Your partner will certainly have interactions with people you don’t trust
Social media and the smartphone culture have led many a person to sneak looks at their partner’s phone interactions. This is a clear and present danger to any concept of sustainable trust.
3. Low Self-Esteem
Trust cannot fully blossom wherever doubt exists. This includes self-doubt. You may be behaving in a manner that threatens trust. But you might not grasp that the root cause is your own insecurity. Low self-esteem combined with an insecure attachment is a common but overlooked factor in mistrust.
The Crucial Work of Rebuilding and Safeguarding Trust
Each of us has patterns and cycles we follow — sometimes without realizing it. On our own, these behaviors shape our lives. In a relationship, they impact two lives. This is where counseling becomes so important. Working with a couples therapist empowers you both to better recognize the patterns that can, for example, shape or shatter trust. If you want to know more about how I think about couples, stop by my marriage counseling page.
If connecting on a deeper level with your partner sounds appealing and you live in Minnesota, let’s connect for a free consultation. I offer both in-person services to vaccinated clients and video-therapy. I’m in Edina near Southdale mall. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation so you can understand if I’m a right fit for you. You can send me an email on my contact page, call me at 612-230-7171, or self schedule an appointment by clicking the button on my contact page.