I have a confession. I love and miss the popcorn movie season. Remember that? I used to go with my friend Ryan and watch every. dumb. superhero movie. But being a couples therapist means that I have a real-world twist on the superpower debate. I wish that everyone in a relationship (and really everyone) would be able to apologize effectively. Note: TLDR version of how to improve your apologies.
Why Apologies Are #1
Apologies are the living band-aid. They help us in an imperfect world where two people who were raised in different families who inevitably will injure each other can make things right again. In fact, apologies can do more - they can make our relationships stronger because we develop the confidence to know that we can heal if and when we get injured. In addition, we not only know we can heal if we get our relationship injured, we can do it together. The confidence that you can heal together, as well as the actual healing is what makes apologies the #1 superpower in my book.
Why You May Not Be Apologizing.
It can feel like the other person has power over you. That you’re being controlled. You may feel in the moment like you’re “losing” the argument. And you may still be feeling angry about things. But remember, apology and vulnerability have a LOT more power than anger, frustration, to get you what you want in the relationship.
7.8 Billion Strangers and Counting
We live in a world of strangers. Very, very few people actually know you. So when you have someone who is bonded to you and is your friend, lover, co-parent, it’s better than gold. You can buy gold. You can buy diamonds. You can’t buy this love. You have to earn it.
You might not cultivate it because you’ve never learned to. But you might not be cultivating your relationship because you’re hurting. There may have been a time that your partner or spouse injured you emotionally, and that’s gotten you to push them away or get back at them.
The Ways Apologizing Can Go Wrong
The “Let’s Get Over It” apology
The I’m Sorry, here’s why you shouldn’t be hurt. . .
The “I’m Sorry, But. . . “ apology
The “I’m Sorry You’re Hurting” apology
The “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” apology
Helping Your Partner Hear You
In the end, you want to be heard, right? You want to be seen for your good intentions. You want credit for trying your damndest to change. You want to be effective. You want your spouse to be happier. Apologies are a superpower that can help get you there. It can change you from being an opposing fighter in your marital boxing ring to a coach in your partner’s corner.
Can you imagine a boxer getting punched in the face and then letting their guard down and saying,”I really think you hurt me!” Of course not. But that’s why apologies can actually be effective - they are naturally disarming if done in a way that feels genuine to the other person.
But It Doesn’t Feel Good In The Moment To Apologize
I hear you. But ask yourself when you’ve really been able to be calm and not resentful and you apologized, has it shifted things in the conversation? Do you see a different attitude, even if for a moment with your spouse? Apologies are like that. But they have to be done well.
I’ve Tried Apologizing Before, And It Doesn’t Work!
If the apology isn’t working, you’ll need to make adjustments. What’s going wrong? Are you trying doing any of the above apologies in the section above called “The Ways Apologizing Can Go Wrong”? Here’s one way to think of this. Your partner is sitting in the mud and needs you to really be willing to sit in that mud with them. You can’t be standing outside the puddle and tell them “there’s no puddle!” You can’t be standing next to them and saying,”But if you just get up, there won’t be any mud, come on!”
Part of the value of a partner is that you’re what are the few people in the world to see your partner in the mud and not look at the watch and say, "well I have a meeting to get to.” This is how you truly connect with your partner. The willingness to enter into the suffering or differentiate you from other people in the world. It will feel like a real connection. Yes, all of this can go on without you actually “fixing” anything.
Use that mindset shift and read my article on apologies. If you’re finding yourself understanding what I’m trying to say, but unable to do it in the moment, my guess is you still have a lot of resentment that you’re carrying that’s keeping you from being vulnerable enough to really give a heartfelt apology. I have an article on slowing down the conversation (and yourself) so you can make more progress.
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts on couples counseling, check out my marriage counseling page. I’ve worked with a LOT of people on apologies, and if you’re in Minnesota, I can help you and your partner too. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.