There is that adage that goes something like this: “Resentment is like drinking a bowl of poison and waiting for the other guy to die.”
Resentment in relationships can drive all kinds of distress behaviors. If you tend to resolve difficult conversations by pursuing resolution, then resentment can make you get louder, harsher, and more unpleasant to be with. If you tend to resolve difficult conversations by avoiding interactions until the tension stay down, resentment can lead you to shutting down, giving the silent treatment, or being physically far away.
It's even harder in Minnesota where everyone really really tries hard to be nice. This can lead to your partner feeling like you are brushing things under the rug. In some cases both people can brush conflict under the rug, until the rug becomes a mountain of resentment. As you might imagine, it's more difficult to unwind decades of resentment than it is to confront it and work together with your partner so there's no place for resentment anymore.
Resentment Can Be Unproductive.
Darla and Ed were in an unproductive pickle. When they first got together, their passion boiled over. They met during grad school friend’s party and hit it off. Darla was a law student, curious and extroverted and noticed Ed sitting with a red solo cup by himself. The normally shy Ed became animated and when he talked about the specific problem he was tackling. His area of study is a cross between statistics and engineering, attempting to root out problems through math. As Darla asked him more questions, Ed became more animated passionate, and more attractive.
But after the wedding, 2 kids, and Darla attempting to juggle family life with her work, and Ed excusing himself most nights to do his work, their relationship became strained. Even simple things like getting something for her birthday became really difficult. Ed would forget important days. Darla would brush it off at first. But after the 3rd year of having your birthday and anniversaries forgotten, Darla had it.
“Did you forget about something?”
This question sent Ed in a panic because it was short for “you f*&ked up.”
“I got you something! It’s coming, it’s in the mail.”
“That’s what you always say. Last year, you gave me a gift card, Ed!”
“It was to a jeweler! I wanted you to get exactly what you wanted.”
“You got it after you panicked when I reminded you it was my birthday!”
“So now the gift’s not good? I can’t win!”
“You just don’t give a s&^_t until you get in trouble! My birthday is the same day every year, Ed. And somehow, even with Facebook reminding you, you forget it!”
Ed’s face fell as he palmed the card in his coat pocket that he got at Trader Joe’s at lunch. He was in full shut-down mode, and had a hard time speaking. When Ed is in shut-down mode, he can’t advocate for himself, even when it means giving a card that he’s already prepared ahead of time this year. This shut-down got Darla more angry, as she took that as his way of “fleeing.”
Darla continued,”See, you can’t even answer me. You did forget didn’t you? You pay more attention to your statistics than me, Ed. You care more about populations and graphs than your own wife.”
Damage and killing relationship repair
Do you see some of your own relationship in this example? I estimate about two-thirds of my couples get into this unproductive pickle. Notice that in this instance, Ed has actually done something proactive and healing (getting the card on time) but can’t activate because he’s shut down. This unproductive pickle not only causes injuries, but also prevents healing, which is the most damaging part of this dynamic.
Repair your relationship
It takes active involvement to change this dynamic. The first thing is to be able to calm your system. When I talk about system, I mean inside each of you, and between both of you. I have a piece on how to use square breathing to calm your whole body and mind. This can be done at any time. To be most effective, take your time - don’t try to use this calming technique so you can go back and fight again. That’s not the point.
Then go slow to go fast
I have this article on how slowing down your conversations with your partner can help increase the chance that you get heard, and that you can understand them. This is important as a general principle, because the discussions or shut downs probably tend to go fast for you. Remember - fighting can look like yelling, or it can look like shutting down or going away. All of those things cause big problems for couples, and are caused by one or both of you getting triggered and getting into a pattern of behavior that becomes increasingly damaging.
If you want to know more about how I think about couples counseling, come look at my marriage counseling page. I hope you can take some of these articles and techniques and use them to shift the way you do your relationship. I really believe in the transformative nature of love and want people to have more of it. If you’re finding yourself still getting into unhelpful patterns of behavior and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I’m in Edina near Southdale mall. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation so you can understand if I’m a right fit for you. You can send me an email on my contact page, call me at 612-230-7171, or self schedule an appointment by clicking the button on my contact page.
Take good care.