I’m going to lead here with some vulnerable self-disclosure. I, a couples therapist, sometimes fight with my wife. We have a mostly great life together, but there are still times when I get really upset. When I’m having repetitive thoughts of how wronged I was, I know that I’m already starting to fight. If I start saying “If only she’d just listen, then she’ll admit she was at fault and apologize to me,” that’s when I know that if I take action on my grandiose and strident criticism of her, that I’ll likely have to apologize.
On a good day, I can self-soothe and figure it out before I talk to her. On a bad day, I raise my voice and point at her, and get really ashamed of it after. It’s those bad days, where I have to apologize. That’s because that strident criticism has left my mouth and injured our relationship. On the good days, I take my pointy finger, stare at the tip, and wonder,”Should I be pointing this at myself?”
What “Pointing The Finger At Yourself” Means.
When I meet with couples, it’s normal that they arrive pointing fingers. It’s almost as if each person is pointing their finger at the other person and saying,”If you just fix them, we can be done with this really quickly.” Some couples can understand this as a humorous scenario. Those are the couples where each person can point the finger back on themselves.
What is your role in things?
When I say “point the finger at yourself,” it’s not to blame YOU. It’s to ask what your contribution is to your pattern of relating that gets you stuck. Terry Real describes the process of marriage as Harmony-Disharmony-Healing. In other words, it’s normal to injure your partner. Both of you have grown up in different households with different family cultures and will have inevitable crossed wires.
Often times, when a couple gets stuck, or gets into a fight, one or both of you are getting into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. Do you find yourself getting defensive, criticizing, or shutting down? This is what I mean by “your role in things.” It’s not entirely your fault, but you do play a role.
So What Is My Role?
If I were to put it plainly, it’s that you’re both to blame. But it’s more complex than that. Each of you is in a reactive mode. Each of you is in survival mode, and the reason why you can fight so much more easily is that each of you reacts as if the other person is the enemy. So when one of you gets in this mode, it causes you to shut down, or go away, or yell at the other person, then the other person responds to the pain with their own reaction.
In the end, both of you are dumping tremendous amounts of energy into your system, which is why it can feel overwhelming and you may not even be able to remember what you were fighting about to begin with.
So What About Pointing My Finger?
One of the antidotes when you are feeling like blaming others is to blame yourself, or, in other words, look at your own contribution to your fight. But what if they started it? So what? If you feel like you could have handled it better, then apologize for that. If you could have not shut down and given them the silent treatment for days, then say that. It’s an exit off of this infinite loop of fighting, and you may thank yourself for it.
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts on couples counseling, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. I’ve worked couples for the last 11 years, and if you’re in Minnesota, I can help you and your partner too. I’ve worked with and helped couples complete their treatment effectively through the worst of the Covid pandemic. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.