Most people strive to be in a healthy, long-term relationship. Yet, very little is taught on this essential topic. In fact, the lessons we do learn can be quite counterproductive. Thanks to fairy tales, pop culture, and bad real-life examples, we can internalize some weird ideas.
It’s reached the point where habits viewed as normal can be actually quite toxic. The problem lies in the fact that everyone seems to embrace such habits. How bad could they be if the whole world uses them, right? If only things were that simple.
Let’s explore some examples of where “normal” must be seriously challenged.
4 Toxic Relationship Habits That Are Often Considered Normal
1. Being “Cute” With the Hints
Sure, there are times when a giving hint is fun. But most of the time, let’s call it what it is: passive aggression. This is because most of the time, the hints are to let your partner know you are upset. If either or both of you feel the need to choose passive aggression, it could mean:
You’re not practicing open communication
You’re afraid of the reaction
Emotions are not being regularly discussed
It would be a whole lot healthier to create a new “normal.” Take honestly and directly to one another. Trust your partner and yourself to handle tough conversations when necessary.
2. Keeping a “Scorecard”
On paper, it sounds awesome to aim for total fairness. Awesome, but possibly toxic. It is so easy for this goal to turn into keeping score. Before you know it, the past is being dragged out into the light on a regular basis. Instead of equity, you end up with a race to the bottom. On the way to the bottom, you’ll be pointing fingers at each other until your fingers break.
A more productive approach would be to not seek what would be normally considered “even” trade-offs. Instead, talk bluntly and discover what works best for your specific relationship.
3. The Whole “Complete” Thing
A good first step to a healthy relationship is a general belief that both partners are already “complete.” You’re independent and have your own interests, social life, and alone time. Romantic comedies throw around lines like “I couldn’t live with you.” Enjoy the movies without emulating them.
Your partner can enrich your life without having to complete it. It helps if both partners feel free to focus on developing themselves.
4. “Pretending” to be Jealous
Isn’t it adorable to act like you’re angry when your partner gives any attention to another person? Again, there can be cute exceptions. More likely, however, it’s a slippery slope toward controlling behaviors. Jealousy of any kind is not a form of affection. When it’s done in a sneaky, passive-aggressive way, it is nothing short of toxic.
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust. This doesn’t mean you won’t have to talk about situations on a case-by-case basis. But it does mean that trust is your default setting. Faux jealousy is not cute or healthy or “normal.”
Working on Your Problems Should Be Seen as Normal
It is ironic that some people do not see therapy as “normal.” In reality, it’s a way of accepting that life is hard and relationships are tricky. Even the best-intentioned couple can slide into toxic habits without realizing it. Getting help from a skilled couples counselor decreases that likelihood.
I’ve worked with many couples and helped them identify when toxic is hiding behind a mask called normal. It makes a difference to have an unbiased guide to mediate the conversations. Your weekly sessions can become a safe space and a workshop. You and your partner will be able to talk openly and work together to create new approaches.
To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.