Just because you avoid being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean you have a fear of commitment. But it might. You may fear commitment and not even realize it.
That depends on a lot of factors, including how you define “commitment.” For the purposes of this post, we stick with a basic meaning. To commit to something is to dedicate yourself to it for a long time.
So, yes, some folks are just not the type to settle down. However, if you find yourself regretting the potential partners who “got away,” you might want to take a closer look.
6 Signs That You Might Have a Fear of Commitment
1. Looking to Pull the Eject Lever
As soon as things feel “serious,” you find reasons to leave. These reasons will appear very logical and rational—to you. You can talk over and over again how they don’t like Game of Thrones or don’t like the early Depeche Mode. Does it really matter?
Upon closer examination, you can see that the facade is cracked. A fear of commitment will dissuade you from performing that closer examination.
2. Going to Extremes
You’ll resort to practically anything to create the tension needed to make the other person walk away, e.g.
Canceling important plans (usually last-minute)
Criticizing and bullying
Refusing to use terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “partner,” etc.
Infidelity
3. Always Looking For the Exit
You enter into a relationship already thinking about how you’ll exit. You may tell yourself it’s just a hook-up. The connection is merely casual. Using such labels makes you feel okay with cutting things off on a whim. It helps to de-humanize them.
4. Not Sharing Your Feelings
Withholding emotions is a clever way to sabotage a relationship. If you don’t tell your partner when you feel hurt, angry, or scared, they may not seek to comfort you. In turn, you feel and appear justified in breaking things off because they weren’t “there for you.”
5. Questioning and Doubt
You are perpetually wondering if they love you or if they’re the “right one.” You doubt their commitment even as you withdraw yours.
6. No Future
You aggressively avoid all conversations about where this relationship is going. The plans you make are usually no more than a week in advance.
4 Ways to Overcome a Fear of Commitment
1. Take Small Steps
See what it feels like to do what committed couples do. Hold hands and kiss in public. Share photos of you together on social media. Schedule sleepovers or weekend trips. Make a plan for a month from now. Start slowly and build. Take some chances!
2. Hang Out With People in Committed Relationships
To accompany suggestion #1 above, spend some time with couples who have openly committed to each other for the long term. Get comfortable with this as a positive option.
3. Be Mindful
Other times, do your best to stay present. Not in a “we have no future” way. Rather, be mindful of the present moment. Focus on how and what you feel when you give your all to be with this other person.
4. Talk About It With Your Partner
Most importantly, you owe it to yourself and the other person to be open about what you’re feeling. Talk about your perceptions of commitment. Be up front and blunt. Ask them questions. You may be surprised to learn that they are struggling as well.
You Can Talk to a Therapist, Too
As I mentioned above, you can fear commitment and not realize it. The path toward excavating these feelings usually leads you through therapy.
Meeting with a skilled professional is an ideal way to examine the relationship patterns in your life. You are certainly free to approach relationships as you see fit.
However, wouldn’t it be nice to feel certain that you’re not letting fear influence your decisions?
To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.