In theory, there should be no shame in having insecurities. I say this because everyone has insecurities. Everyone has times when they don’t feel good enough. Think honestly about yourself. You have regretted the past and feared the future. How do I know this? Because, again, everyone has regretted the past and feared the future.
Here’s the silver lining: when both you and your partner address your insecurities, you can make your relationship stronger. This, in turn, has the power to reduce insecurities. It’s a positive cycle that begins with the acceptance that everyone is insecure from time to time.
What Causes Insecurity Within a Relationship?
Insecurity, in any setting, is rooted in fear and low self-esteem. In a relationship, it can be very easy to feel worried about where you stand. If you don’t think you deserve love, you will express this belief in a variety of ways.
What Does Insecurity Look Like in a Relationship?
It can manifest in obvious signs. One of you may constantly ask for reassurance. Perhaps you or your partner closely monitor the other’s activities. This is insecurity in action and it will likely cause conflict. However, if you look closely, you seem insecurity rearing its head in tendencies like:
Fighting: Your arguments may spring from a place of distrust or even paranoia. Also, fighting can be a version of seeking attention.
Controlling: One of you may use subtle manipulative tactics to get the other to behave in a way that soothes your fears.
Imposing: Today, insecurity is on 24/7 display on social media — especially when one partner is always commenting on or interacting with the other.
4 Tips for Addressing Insecurities to Make Your Relationship Stronger
1. Talk Early and Often
I meet couples in many stages in their relationship. Talking about difficult things early and often is the best way to prevent you from “growing apart.” Accept communication as a never-ending process and commit to the journey. It will be your foundation.
2. Address Your Partner When You’re Not Angry
Anger is a protective emotion that shields you when you’re afraid or hurt. But if you come to your partner with anger, they’ll almost certainly come back fighting too.
To get your insecurities addressed in the most productive way, come to them when you can say something as vulnerable as “I’m really hurt when you say…” or “when we get into this situation, I get really scared you’ll reject me.”
3. Think of You, Them, and Us
The “us” part is not often thought of when you first start your relationship. You know what it’s like to be you. If you’re courteous, you want to respect their own agency and autonomy. But it can be hard to think “How do I pull them in to help solve this problem?”
By letting them know that you have an insecurity, you have the opportunity to “grow together.”
4. Practice Self-Love
Work on yourself. Explore yourself. Learn to love yourself. If you have self-limiting beliefs, they can also limit the relationship. Developing a trusting bond requires both of you to do individual work to address your individual issues.
Ask For Help—For You and Your Relationship
Depending on your situation, either individual or couples therapy can be a game-changer. Your weekly sessions allow you to comfortably share what you’re feeling.
Once expressed, these insecurities and doubts are more easily addressed. I’ll help you identify the sources and recognize the patterns. From that position, you’ll be better able to see solutions and new approaches.
Remember, everyone has insecurities but they do not have to negatively impact your relationship.
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts on couples counseling, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. I’ve worked couples for the last 11 years, and if you’re in Minnesota, I can help you and your partner too. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.