There’s a moment where curiosity can override conflict. Think about any instance in which your spouse says something to you and it comes across as hurtful. The moment I’m talking about is the moment BEFORE you react.

It’s the tiny sliver of time that exists before your blame machine boots up. I call it that because it fires back — either by throwing verbal knives back or by sending you into full avoidance mode! When I work with couples, we work to delay the boot-up of that blame machine so that a crucial step comes in: Curiosity.

Why Do We Even Have a Blame Machine?

Relationships are often teeming with paradoxes. One of them is that the person you’re closest with can hurt you the most. The power of your love adds weight to your partner’s words, thoughts, opinions, and behaviors. Your partner is probably the person you talk with the most. They are the ones with whom you share most intimately. So, even a perceived slight from them can feel far more threatening than a legit insult from an acquaintance.

That’s why our minds create and use the blame machine. To “protect” ourselves from such profound hurt, we look for ways to deflect the pain. It’s an adaptive mechanism.

5 Mental Check-Ins to Take Before You React

1. What is My Partner Going Through Right Now?

Before you flip the blame machine switch, lean heavily on how well you know this person standing in front of you. What inspires them? What agitates them? Ask yourself what might be going on to provoke them to bark at you.

These two articles may help you to understand what your parter is going through:

1. Read this post if your partner tends to “peck at you” in pursuit of solving your issues.

2. Read this if your partner tends to “go away” or shut down.

2. What Did They Go Through in the Past?

So much about our adult behavior is shaped by the types of attachments we experienced in childhood. Our attachment style influences how we hear other people — especially loved ones.

It can make even a mundane comment appear charged with risk and emotion. Get curious and learn more about your attachment style. That knowledge can help disable the blame machine.

3. How Important is it to Me to “Win” This Situation?

Part of firing back, whether we want to admit it or not, is a desire to come out on top. This desire might come from our attachment style. It also definitely comes from our collective culture. But either way, it’s not our destiny.

Again, look at the person standing across from you. Is this someone you need to “defeat”? Of course not. Yes, they hurt you. No, that doesn’t mean you must boot-up and fire back.

4. Will I Benefit From Booting Up the Blame Machine?

A healthy amount of self-care would benefit any relationship. Thus, in that transient moment before retaliation happens, think about your needs. It may feel like revenge is just what the doctor ordered, but dig deeper. Activate our curiosity and contemplate how good it might feel to take a deep breath before responding with compassion — and self-compassion.

5. AM I FEELING HURT/ AFRAID/ SAD?

Too often, blaming happens as a defensive mechanism to protect you. If you feel like you’ve been criticized or hurt, or you’re scared of something, you may be dropped into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. Blame is squarely in the “fight” section of that response. Make no mistake -it’s a response that has evolved to be protective when threat is present. But it’s not sophisticated. It gets you out of the most immediate predicament because it drives the other person away. Imagine what that does to your relationship.

In an instant, an ordinary instant, you can help shift the trajectory of two lives. Replacing blame with curiosity gives both of you room to listen and learn. And room to grow.

For more of my thoughts on marriage counseling, stop by my marriage counseling page. If you’re having trouble navigating this yourselves, I recommend utilizing a therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.  This modality helps uncover the underlying emotional processes that are hijacking your relationship. Once you understand the emotions that are driving your conflict pattern, they will have less control over your behavior.

If you’re in the Minneapolis area, I can help.  Just call me at 612-230-7171, or email me through my contact page.  I truly believe that getting the right fit is key in maximizing efficacy of your couples work.