“Affair” is such a polite term, isn’t it? We can call it cheating or fooling around or any number of synonyms and euphemisms. But, at heart, we’re talking about a betrayal of trust.
A bond that may have been built over the years can feel instantly threatened when faced with infidelity. If it’s you that cheated, you have your work cut out for you. Spoiler alert: You’re not the first person to have an affair, and you won’t be the first person to find ways to re-establish trust. It won’t be easy, but it can be worth it.
What Is an “Affair” in 2020?
Life in the digital age has broadened the definition — and the likelihood — of infidelity. So, for the sake of clarity, let’s introduce some of what an affair may look like these days:
Emotional infidelity: This betrayal occurs when a partner becomes emotionally attached to someone other than their spouse — to the point of shutting out their partner. Social media is fertile ground for this variation.
Sexting, DMs, etc.: Thanks to your omnipresent smartphone, you can now cheat with someone on the other side of the globe. For that matter, you can carry on with a stranger while sitting right next to your partner on the couch.
Breaking agreed-upon rules: More and more couples are exploring different versions of non-monogamy. Since ground rules are involved, so is cheating.
Sex outside the relationship: The most obvious and enduring way people are unfaithful.
4 Key Ways the Affair-Involved Partner Can Re-establish Trust
If you’ve engaged in any of the above — or some combination — the onus is on you to step up. The following are some useful suggestions to get that process rolling.
1. Accept Responsibility
Tell your partner you screwed up. Don’t dance around it because hey, it’s way too late to save face. You now have a chance to learn and grow from an egregious mistake. Grab onto that opportunity with both hands.
2. Don’t Try to Set the Agenda
Your partner is the victim here. It is essential that you follow their lead. Don’t deflect blame. Don’t try to set a timetable for them to “get over it.” Also, keep in mind that they may not want to hear all the details until they’re ready.
Assure your partner that you wish to tell them everything, but not in a way that hurts them more. Simply put, you have relinquished the right to set the agenda, so do what it takes to help them heal.
3. Offer an Authentic Apology
Tell them you’re sorry. Full Stop. Do not offer the celebrity apology, e.g., “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.” Take precise ownership of the transgression. Express and display remorse. Promise it will never happen again. Demonstrate, through your words and deeds, that you mean all of the above.
4. Ask for Their Forgiveness, Understanding…and Help
It’s fair for your significant other to be ticked off, hurt, and shocked. But it’s not fair for them or anyone to expect you to figure out how to handle the fallout immediately.
You won’t do everything perfectly. Why not tell this to your partner and ask them to help guide you? Ask for their forgiveness and work with them to do whatever needs to be done to re-establish trust.
Navigating Post-Affair Terrain Requires Some Guidance
Just about any relationship issue can feel like an obstacle course. But a betrayal of trust is more like a minefield. Neither of you is prepared, and both of you are teeming with a tsunami of emotions. For the affair involved partner, you are trying to make amends but probably get caught in a counterattack by the partner you hurt. For the partner affected by the affair, you may want to repair the relationship, but you're asking for a listening ear from the person who hurt you the most. This means that you may be attacking them just when you are asking them for emotional support. This is really really hard work. For more thoughts from me on couples counseling, check out my marriage counseling page.
If you find yourselves on a groundhog-day kind of hamster wheel argument, you might need help. If you are in the Western Minneapolis area, I invite you to reach out. You can reach me by phone at 612.230.7171 , email me on my contact page, or click on the button to reserve time with me for a 15-minute phone call.