George and Rhonda are a married couple with two daughters in high school. They’re in my office right now trying to fight. I’m working hard to get them to listen to each other.
I did hear her!” George turned to me. He turned back to Rhonda.
“You were telling me how I can’t golf with my friends at all, and that sucks. I know I had an affair, but I need to do self-care too. And golfing with my friends is self care!”
To George, isolation during the covid-19 pandemic and trying to co-parent kids while not getting along with his wife was hard enough. The fact that his wife was suspicious of the one activity where he could get support from his friends made him fume. George is saying he’s listening to her. But he’s not doing the one thing he should do first: listen to what’s going on inside him.
* This is a fictitious couple
The Fight Inside
George is feeling really vulnerable and resents having his one recreational activity questioned. All he hears is criticism, blame, and an attack on him. But like an iceberg, there’s a lot going on under the surface. His raised voice and protest is only the tip. The stuff that’s underneath is the wincing pain of being criticized and feeling trapped in quarantined. The pain of having a disconnected relationship with his wife. It’s the pain of feeling unappreciated by the one person whose opinion he values. And the pain of knowing he had an affair that devastated his wife and kids. All of that pain drives him to look outwards and attack instead of looking inwards at his own emotions.
Why Attack Instead Of Repair?
When Rhonda complained of never seeing George because he’s always golfing on weekends, she’s hurt too. And there was an edge in her voice. George has good radar for his wife and detected the attack. And immediately he defended himself by raising his voice and firing back. And immediately, she responded with increased nastiness. Then they were off to the races. And neither of them was happy.
Ever hear of fight flight or freeze? Rhonda and George were fighting because they were both triggered into fight mode. A threat showed up (each other ) and their automatic survival mechanisms jumped in to help them. This would've been great if you were trying to fend off attack from a wild dog, but not useful when it's their spouse.
Triggers Become Patterns
With enough repetitions, George and Rhonda created a pattern of behavior that felt familiar to them, even though it was stressful. Now it's even easier than the first time to get into a fight. Now they’re tired of doing it. So how do they start resolving instead of starting fights?
Going slow is the number one key element in resolving fights. When you focus on going slow in your conversations with your partner, you prioritize reason and empathy over triggers. Triggers allow your past to dictate your present. When you are able to prioritize empathy with your spouse, they can sense it in automatically calm. This produces an opposite and calming pattern.
Listening Begins Inside
One of the things that can happen when you go slow in conversations with your partner is that you can listen to what's going on inside of you before you respond. If Jorge was able to redo his response, here are some statements he might hear inside himself before he speaks:
“I’m really pissed off.”
“Rhonda never wants me to golf.”
“I work 70 hours a week so we can afford to send our kids good camps and have a home I never had as a kid.”
“My own wife thinks I’m a lazy bum.”
Each statement got a little deeper. Each statement accessed a more vulnerable part of George. After about 40 minutes of talking to him and getting him to go down a little bit further, Jorge was able to say this instead:
“I’m so hurt you think I’m lazy. I don’t enjoy my job. I feel like most days I’m just pushing so hard to get that next sale, and then I come home and I feel like I can’t do it right. I feel like I’m a little kid again being told I’m lazy. I just feel so depressed.”
It was at this point that George could sob, and Rhonda reached out to him and told him:
“I don’t think you’re lazy. You’ve always been a good provider. I just want you, that’s all.”
When we listen inside at the parts that feel most vulnerable and allow that part to come out, we have a hope of telling the other person something that doesn’t feel like an attack. We have a hope of actually connecting with them. Even though it’s something sad that George disclosed, it was genuine and connecting.
If slowly calming and listening inside doesn’t seem possible for you, a couples therapist may help. A good marriage or couples therapist can help you get under the anger, frustration, and resentment and really get both of you to help heal each other’s wounds instead.
If you’re curious about more of my thoughts on marriage counseling, check out my marriage counseling page or my marriage counseling blog. If you’re in the western Twin Cities area, I can help. Just call me at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
Stay safe.