By now, no one is surprised to hear that the lockdowns have negatively impacted some relationships. It could’ve been the financial stress. In other cases, couples struggled when suddenly being home together all the time. And let’s not forget the way politics and elections have served to divide us. So yes, it seems marital strife is yet another Covid side effect.
This leaves some couples wondering how to reconnect and recover. Meanwhile, some partners are left wondering if they can still reconnect and recover. How can a couple truly know if their relationship is worth saving?
Some Relationship Red Flags to Look For
Roommate Syndrome
You live together. You pay bills, do laundry, and divide chores — but what happened to the passion? If there are kids involved, you might feel more like the co-owners of a daycare center.
Not Spending Time Together
Roommate syndrome can quickly morph into both of you living separate lives. You’re no longer each other’s “go-to” in times of stress or joy. Communication has dwindled.
Loss of Trust
Without shared trust, the road back to romance is hard to find. Is your partner someone you still inherently trust?
No Shared Goals
A big part of relationship growth involves setting and striving together toward new goals. A lack of shared goals can leave you feeling as if you’re just going through the motions.
Signs That You CAN Reconnect and Recover
You Have Similar Beliefs and Values
This is not about marching in lockstep. It’s normal — and healthy — for any two people to disagree on some topics. What creates a strong foundation are your core values and beliefs. They represent your top priorities. If they are in synch, you can always have a strong connection.
Mutual Respect
Even with all the disagreements and bickering, is there an underlying layer of respect. Such mutual respect will go a long way in keeping the lines of healthy communication open.
Forgiveness
Do you both offer sincere apologies when you mess up? Can both of you offer forgiveness in return? This give and take is essential. In good times or bad, every relationship is strengthened when both partners hold themselves accountable for their inevitable mistakes.
A Commitment to Growth
This means both individually and together. You may find yourself wondering if your relationship can be saved. That’s when it’s a good idea to also ask yourselves these questions:
Do we both want to learn and grow and improve?
Are we committed to becoming better versions of ourselves?
Are we committed to becoming better partners?
If you can both honestly answer “yes” to these questions, your relationship sure sounds like it’s well worth saving!
Seek Professional Guidance
Here’s the catch: Everything on both of the above lists can feel invisible. You and your partner are so deeply embedded in your patterns that you’ve lost perspective. This is precisely where a couples therapist can be so helpful. Yes, it could involve you deciding to split. If so, that can be done with a healthy resolution. But for most of you, it will be about recognizing and changing counterproductive patterns.
In my practice, I help clients repair their relationships in 4 major steps:
We calm down the fight-first mentality so that both partners can hear each other
We identify the triggers that create a cycle of fighting
You work together to reduce the conflict and increase the teamwork
Both of you identify your needs and ask your partner to meet them
No matter how many problems you encountered during the pandemic and lockdowns, you both must start asking “What can we do differently?” I’m here to help get you to that point.
If you want to find out more, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, or email me through my contact form. I’m physically in Edina near Southdale Mall. If you are fully vaccinated, I invite you to have in-person sessions.