We all long to feel loved, cherished, and prioritized in our relationships. But when that longing feels unmet, many of us don’t reach for vulnerability—we reach for criticism. Instead of saying, “I’m scared you don’t love me anymore,” we say, “You always forget Valentine’s Day! You never make time for us!”
Why do we do this? Because criticism, while conflict-inducing, feels safer than exposing our deepest fears. Yet in reality, criticism doesn’t get us what we want. Instead of pulling our partner closer, it creates defensiveness, distance, and, at worst, a cycle of fighting.
If we want to be truly understood, we have to recognize the emotional armor we use—specifically, the role of secondary emotions—and learn to access the vulnerable truths underneath.
Understanding Secondary vs. Primary Emotions
Emotions like irritation, annoyance, frustration, anger, and even rage often feel like our first response in a conflict. But these are secondary emotions—the ones that protect us from the more painful, raw emotions underneath.
Primary emotions, like fear, sadness, hurt, loneliness, and anxiety, are often more difficult to sit with. They make us feel exposed. They require us to admit, even just to ourselves, that we need something deeply from our partner and are afraid we won’t get it. That’s an incredibly vulnerable place to be.
So, instead of saying, “I feel lonely when you forget important days like Valentine’s Day, and I’m scared I’m not important to you,” we say, “You always forget Valentine’s Day! You never make time for us!”
The secondary emotion—frustration—creates an illusion of control. It shifts the focus away from our own fear or sadness and instead puts the blame on our partner. But in doing so, we sacrifice true communication. Our real feelings don’t get known, and our partner, rather than understanding our hurt, only hears criticism.
How This Plays Out in Relationships
Let’s break it down further with a common scenario:
Scenario 1: Speaking from Secondary Emotion
You: “You never make time for us anymore. You’re always busy with work. It’s like I don’t even matter to you.”
Your partner: “That’s not true! I’ve been swamped at work, but I still make time for us when I can. Why are you always so negative?”
Here, frustration and criticism lead to defensiveness. The real emotion—maybe fear of not being prioritized—remains hidden, and neither partner truly connects.
Scenario 2: Speaking from Primary Emotion
You: “I know work has been stressful, and I don’t want to add to that. But I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. I miss you. I’m scared I’m not important to you.”
Your partner: “…I had no idea you felt that way. I never want you to feel unimportant. Let’s figure out how we can carve out more time together.”
This shift makes a huge difference. Speaking from a primary emotion invites your partner to listen rather than defend. It brings them into your experience rather than pushing them away.
Why We Resist Vulnerability
If vulnerability gets us what we actually need, why is it so hard?
We’re afraid of rejection. Saying “I feel unloved” opens the door for a painful response, like “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.” That kind of honesty takes courage.
Anger feels more powerful than sadness. Frustration makes us feel like we have control, while admitting loneliness makes us feel exposed.
We weren’t taught to name our deeper emotions. Many of us grew up in families where feelings like fear or sadness weren’t acknowledged, so we learned to express them through anger instead.
How to Shift from Criticism to Vulnerability
The good news? This is a skill that can be learned. Here’s how to start:
Pause and check in with yourself.
Before reacting in frustration, ask: “What am I really feeling underneath this? What am I afraid of?”Translate the criticism into vulnerability.
If you feel the urge to say “You never prioritize me!” try instead:“I miss feeling close to you.”
“I feel sad when we don’t spend as much time together.”
“I’m scared I don’t matter to you as much as I used to.”
Trust that vulnerability fosters connection.
It may feel risky, but speaking from your true emotions creates a space for intimacy rather than conflict.
The Bottom Line: If You Want to Be Known, Speak the Truth of Your Heart
Criticism and anger might feel safer, but they don’t get us what we truly want. If what you want is closeness, love, and understanding, you have to risk being seen in your rawest form. That’s where real connection happens.
The next time frustration rises, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What’s the deeper feeling here? And then, with courage, let your partner see the truth of your heart. That’s the moment when love has a chance to deepen. If you need help from a therapist that’s had 15 years working with couples, I’m here to help. I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation. Together, we can explore ways to deepen your bond and create a foundation of small, intentional moments that strengthen your love story.