When people think about relationship problems, they often picture loud fights, betrayals, or dramatic ultimatums. Yet, one of the most destructive forces in any marriage or long-term partnership is far quieter: emotional neglect. It’s subtle, easy to overlook in daily life, and it creeps in gradually, eroding the emotional bond between partners. Over time, these small acts of neglect create a growing distance, leaving both partners feeling unseen, unheard, and disconnected. The good news? You can address and repair this pattern through intentional action and greater emotional awareness.
Understanding Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect isn’t about malice. In fact, it often stems from good intentions—being busy with work, caring for children, or simply assuming your partner “knows” how you feel. But when you consistently fail to engage with your partner’s feelings or dismiss their bids for connection, you send an unintended message: Your inner world isn’t as important to me. Over time, that message chips away at your bond like water eroding stone.
The Gottman Perspective: Bids for Connection
Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on marital stability, highlights that small daily interactions—what he calls “bids for connection”—are the glue that holds relationships together. These bids can be as simple as sharing a funny anecdote, asking for an opinion on a problem at work, or just wanting a quick hug. When these bids are ignored or dismissed, the partner making the bid feels unimportant or neglected.
According to Gottman’s research, consistently responding positively to your partner’s bids is a key predictor of relationship success. A wave of the hand, a nod, a smile, or a “tell me more” all serve as small but significant signs that say, I value you, I’m paying attention. Conversely, failing to notice or engage in these moments can create an undercurrent of hurt and resentment.
The EFT Perspective: Accessibility and Responsiveness
Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), adds another layer to understanding emotional neglect. In her view, secure relationships rely on two partners who are accessible and responsive to each other’s emotional needs. Johnson’s research suggests that when you frequently miss or dismiss your partner’s emotional signals, they’re left feeling alone—even in your presence.
This sense of isolation is more than just loneliness; it can trigger attachment fears, making your partner question whether they can count on you. Over time, these unanswered emotional cues build up into a wall that blocks intimacy and erodes the sense of safety in the relationship.
The Subtle Signs of Emotional Neglect
Consistently “Half-Listening”: You might glance up from your phone or nod absentmindedly, but you’re not truly engaging with what your partner is saying.
Minimizing Feelings: Responding with phrases like “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’re overreacting,” can invalidate your partner’s emotional experiences.
Avoiding Vulnerable Conversations: Changing the subject or always joking when the discussion gets serious sends the message that deeper emotions aren’t welcome.
Neglecting Simple Affection: Overlooking opportunities for hugs, a quick kiss, or even eye contact can chip away at your bond.
Chronic Busyness: While everyone can get busy, never carving out intentional time to connect often signals deeper emotional neglect.
The Consequences of Emotional Distance
Emotional neglect is often called a “silent killer” because it flies under the radar until the distance in the relationship feels insurmountable. Small resentments accumulate, misunderstandings multiply, and partners may become roommates rather than intimate allies. In worst-case scenarios, this distance paves the way for larger relationship breakdowns, including infidelity or separation. But it doesn’t have to reach that point.
Rebuilding Connection Through Small, Intentional Actions
1. Tune In to Bids for Connection
Take a page out of John Gottman’s book and make a conscious effort to notice your partner’s bids for connection. If they’re sharing something from their day—be it a triumph or a silly annoyance—stop what you’re doing, look them in the eyes, and respond. Even a brief moment of genuine attention can significantly shift the emotional climate of your home.
Try This: If your partner mentions a random thought like “I read a weird fact today,” put your phone down, turn toward them, and ask for more details. That’s often all it takes to show them you care.
2. Practice Emotional Accessibility
Borrow Sue Johnson’s concept of accessibility: be open to your partner’s emotional cues and needs. This means offering them your presence when they come to you—physically and emotionally.
Try This: When you sense your partner is upset or withdrawn, gently ask, “Hey, you seem a bit off. Want to talk?” Even if they say no, you’ve shown you’re available and attuned.
3. Validate Feelings, Even When You Disagree
Validation isn’t about agreeing with every sentiment your partner expresses; it’s about acknowledging that their feelings make sense in the context of their perspective.
Try This: Use phrases like “I can see why you’d feel that way,” or “It sounds like that really mattered to you.” This approach fosters empathy and reduces defensiveness.
4. Schedule Quality Time
Life gets busy, and it’s easy to put your relationship on auto-pilot. Intentionally set aside time—even if it’s just 15 minutes a day—to connect without distractions. Over time, these small pockets of togetherness reinforce the message: We matter, and our relationship is a priority.
Try This: A daily check-in ritual—where each partner gets a few minutes to share thoughts, feelings, or concerns—can help you both stay emotionally in tune.
5. Offer Gentle Physical Affection
A simple hand on the shoulder or a lingering hug can speak volumes. This isn’t about grand romantic gestures but about consistent, gentle signs of warmth and care.
Try This: Next time you pass your partner in the kitchen or hallway, pause for a quick hug or kiss on the cheek. These small moments of affection add up.
Moving Forward with Hope and Intention
Emotional neglect may be quiet, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. By integrating small, intentional acts of emotional engagement, you can turn the tide and rebuild the closeness you once shared. Whether you take inspiration from John Gottman’s insights on daily “bids for connection” or Sue Johnson’s emphasis on emotional accessibility and responsiveness, the key is consistent effort. Over time, these everyday gestures serve as threads that weave your relationship back into a strong, vibrant tapestry of love and understanding.
If you’ve been feeling a growing distance in your relationship and need guidance on how to reconnect, I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
By addressing emotional neglect with compassion and intentionality, you can silence that “silent killer” and rediscover the deep sense of belonging and warmth that healthy relationships bring.