I’m a therapist, yet I sometimes catch myself feeling completely justified in blaming my wife. Whenever that flood of entitlement rolls in—where I’m convinced our issues must be her fault—I know I’m stepping right into the same old fighting cycle that can derail our connection. If I decide to “let her have it,” throwing criticism her way over how she did something, I can practically guarantee she’ll shut down or snap back. Neither response fosters closeness.

Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us that couples often get trapped in recurring patterns of conflict, with each partner playing a role. We might look at our partner’s behavior and think, If only they changed, we’d be fine. But the truth is more complex: how we respond fuels that negative loop, too. Recognizing that we’re part of the dynamic is actually empowering because it means we can do something to break the cycle.

The Enticing Trap of Blame

Blame can feel strangely satisfying—after all, it lets us believe we’re off the hook. But when we make it all about our partner’s flaws or mistakes, we give up our own ability to influence the situation. If it really is 100% on them, what can we possibly do to improve the relationship?

By contrast, acknowledging that both partners shape the conflict allows each person to regain some control. Even if your partner has genuinely done something hurtful, noticing how you contribute to the pattern gives you a foothold for changing it.

Seeing the Cycle Through Attachment

In EFT, negative cycles don’t happen because one partner is “the problem.” Rather, each person’s attachment needs and fears drive how they respond. When you feel overlooked, you might become louder or more critical, signaling that your emotional needs aren’t being met. Your partner, feeling attacked, may shut down or lash out to protect themselves. The cycle perpetuates itself: your anger justifies their withdrawal, which justifies more anger, and so on.

Anxious Attachment: Feeling emotionally threatened can lead to more criticism or “chasing” for reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment: Feeling cornered might cause you to shut down or dismiss your partner to avoid conflict.
Secure Attachment: Even someone generally secure can feel overwhelmed and revert to blame if triggers persist.

My Personal Shift: From Blame to Addressing Hurt

I know that when I’m deep in blame mode, I’m often hurting underneath. Maybe I feel unimportant or frustrated that something isn’t going how I’d hoped. The real challenge is to pause, self-calm, and identify the hurt instead of blasting my wife with criticism.

Self-Calming: Before lashing out, I take a moment—maybe a few deep breaths—to settle my nerves. This small act helps diffuse that flood of righteous anger.
Address the Hurt: Rather than accusing her of “always messing things up,” I try to express how I feel. Maybe it’s disappointment, worry, or a sense of being overlooked.
Invite Collaboration: Sharing hurt in a vulnerable way can prompt curiosity or empathy from my wife. That’s a stark contrast to the defensive shutdown we fall into when blame takes center stage.

Steps to Break the Cycle

Recognize Your Role
Accept that your own reactions—be it anger, withdrawal, or criticism—play a part in feeding the conflict loop. This might feel uncomfortable, but it’s the first step toward real change.
Name the Underlying Emotion
Whether it’s fear, sadness, or feeling unimportant, naming the deeper emotion beneath the blame can create space for constructive dialogue.
Practice Self-Calming
Just like I do, find ways to dial down that initial rush of indignation—deep breathing, a brief walk, or simply stating, “I need a minute.”
Communicate the Hurt, Not the Blame
If you tell your partner you feel hurt instead of attacking them for what they did, you open a door to mutual understanding rather than shutting it with blame.
Seek Support If Needed
An EFT-trained therapist can help you and your partner map out your negative cycle and develop healthier communication patterns.

Reclaiming Your Power

Blame is deceptive—it can give a fleeting sense of superiority or control, but it ultimately leaves you powerless to change anything. The more you point the finger, the more stuck you become. On the other hand, embracing your role in the conflict allows you to transform it.

For me, shifting from “I’m entitled to blame” to “I can address my hurt directly” has been a game-changer. No, it doesn’t magically solve every issue, but it does mean we spend less time stuck in a spiral of blame and withdrawal, and more time working together to truly understand each other’s needs.

If you’re tired of feeling trapped in blame and want to discover new ways to navigate conflict, I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation. Learning to spot your own role in the fighting cycle can shift your relationship from endless blame to genuine connection—and that makes all the difference.