At the core of every meaningful relationship, there’s one thing we all crave: connection. But what does that connection really look like? According to Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, healthy and fulfilling relationships are built on three essential pillars: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement, or A.R.E. These three elements serve as the foundation for creating and maintaining emotional bonds between partners.
Whether you're aware of it or not, what you truly want in your relationship is the reassurance that your partner will be there for you—emotionally and physically. And for your relationship to thrive, both partners need to feel emotionally secure. Let’s explore what A.R.E. means in your relationship and how it can transform the way you connect with your partner.
What Is A.R.E.?
A.R.E. stands for Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement. These are the three essential components that allow partners to feel safe, loved, and connected with each other. When these elements are present in a relationship, emotional security flourishes, and couples can weather the inevitable ups and downs of life together.
In Sue Johnson’s work with Emotionally Focused Therapy, she emphasizes that strong relationships are built on emotional bonds where both partners can rely on each other to be accessible, responsive, and engaged. Here’s what that looks like in practice:
Accessibility: Can I Reach You?
Accessibility is all about being available to your partner—physically, emotionally, and mentally. It’s about creating a relationship where your partner knows they can count on you to be there when they need you.
Ask yourself: Are you emotionally available to your partner? Can they reach you, not just physically but emotionally, when they are feeling vulnerable or in need of support?
For example, if your partner tries to share a concern or express their feelings, are you truly available to listen? Or are you distracted, brushing off the conversation, or too caught up in your own stress to be present? Accessibility isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being there when it matters.
How to improve accessibility:
Make time to check in with your partner regularly, even when life gets busy.
Be present and mindful during conversations, avoiding distractions like phones or work.
Show that you are approachable by listening without judgment and creating a safe space for open dialogue.
Responsiveness: Can I Count on You to Respond to Me?
Responsiveness is about how you react when your partner reaches out to you, emotionally or physically. It’s the difference between feeling ignored versus feeling heard. When you’re responsive, you show that you care about your partner’s needs, feelings, and well-being.
If your partner shares something vulnerable or reaches out for comfort, are you responsive in a way that shows empathy and understanding? Responsiveness is key to creating a secure bond because it reassures your partner that they matter to you and that their emotional needs will be met.
Ask yourself: When your partner shares something important or needs comfort, do you respond with empathy and support, or do you dismiss or minimize their feelings? Being responsive means making an active effort to validate your partner’s emotions and offering reassurance when needed.
How to improve responsiveness:
Acknowledge your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them.
Show empathy by validating their feelings and offering comfort or support.
Make a habit of offering verbal and nonverbal cues that show you’re tuned in, like eye contact, nodding, or physical touch.
Engagement: Do I Feel Close and Valued?
Engagement is about being fully present and invested in your relationship. It means being emotionally involved, paying attention to your partner’s needs, and making an effort to connect on a deeper level. When you’re engaged, you don’t just go through the motions; you actively participate in the relationship, showing your partner that they are valued and important.
Ask yourself: Are you actively engaged in your relationship? Do you show interest in your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and daily experiences? Or have you become passive, letting the relationship coast without putting in much effort?
Being engaged requires intentionality. It’s about doing the little things that show your partner you care—whether it’s asking how their day went, planning quality time together, or simply showing curiosity about their inner world.
How to improve engagement:
Set aside quality time to be with your partner, free from distractions.
Ask open-ended questions that invite deeper conversations and emotional intimacy.
Show interest in your partner’s life, dreams, and challenges, and be present in both the good times and the tough moments.
Why A.R.E. Matters: Building a Strong Emotional Bond
When you and your partner consistently practice Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement, you create an emotional bond that is secure and lasting. These elements form the foundation of a strong relationship, one where both partners feel supported, understood, and deeply connected.
In Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy, the focus is on strengthening these bonds by helping couples recognize and address the emotional needs that often go unspoken. When you make your partner feel emotionally safe, they are more likely to open up, trust you, and feel secure in the relationship.
Without A.R.E., emotional distance can creep in. If your partner feels that you’re not accessible, responsive, or engaged, they may begin to feel neglected, misunderstood, or disconnected, which can lead to conflict or dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Conclusion: Create a Relationship That Lasts
At the end of the day, what we all want in our relationships is simple: to know that our partner will be there for us, that they will respond when we need them, and that they are fully engaged in the relationship. When you embody these qualities—Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement—you build a relationship that can withstand life’s challenges and deepen over time.
So, take a moment to reflect on how you can bring more A.R.E. into your relationship. Are you emotionally available to your partner? Do you respond with empathy and care? Are you actively engaged in the relationship, showing your partner they matter? By focusing on these three elements, you can create a connection that is secure, loving, and enduring.
If you’re looking to strengthen the bond in your relationship and need guidance on how to implement the principles of A.R.E., I’m here to help. Together, we can work on fostering emotional security and deeper connection in your partnership. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
When your relationship is built on accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement, you’ll discover a bond that is truly unbreakable.