“Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.” — Terry Real
This powerful quote from Terry Real captures the essence of what it means to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. The patterns we inherit from our families of origin shape how we relate to others, especially in our intimate relationships. But you have the power to change that. You have the opportunity to be the generational hero who turns to face the flames and brings peace not only to yourself but also to those who came before you and those who will follow.
The Weight of Inherited Patterns
Think about the dynamics you learned growing up—how conflict was handled, how love was expressed (or withheld), and how emotions were managed. These patterns often become ingrained in your nervous system, guiding your reactions in moments of stress, particularly during heated arguments with your partner. It’s easy to fall back on what you know, even if what you know isn’t healthy or helpful.
Maybe in your family, anger was met with more anger, or maybe it was swept under the rug. Perhaps vulnerability was seen as weakness, and you learned to armor yourself with defensiveness or withdrawal. These responses were your survival mechanisms—they helped you navigate the emotional landscape of your childhood. But in your adult relationships, they can keep you stuck in a cycle of pain and disconnection.
Facing the Flames: The Courage to Change
Breaking free from these inherited patterns requires courage. It means doing something that feels very different from what your nervous system tells you to do in the heat of the moment. When your partner says something that triggers you, your instinct might be to lash out, shut down, or retreat. But facing the flames means resisting those urges and choosing a new path—a path that leads to healing rather than more hurt.
Imagine standing in the middle of a burning forest. The fire represents the dysfunction passed down through generations. Turning to face those flames isn’t easy. It’s terrifying, and it goes against every instinct to run or hide. But by facing them, you start to put out the fire, little by little, until it no longer has the power to consume you or your relationship.
You Have the Power to Change the Story
You might not have chosen the patterns you inherited, but you have the power to choose how you respond to them. You get to rewrite the script. You get to decide that the dysfunction stops with you. This isn’t about blaming your family or rejecting your past—it’s about acknowledging the impact it has had on you and deciding that you want something different for yourself and your loved ones.
In moments of conflict, remind yourself that you are the hero of your story. When your nervous system is screaming at you to react in the ways you’ve always known, take a deep breath and remember why you’re choosing a different path. You’re not just fighting for your relationship; you’re fighting to heal wounds that have been passed down through generations.
What Does This Look Like in Practice?
Changing your relationship dynamic isn’t a one-time decision; it’s a daily practice. Here’s how you can start:
Awareness: The first step is becoming aware of the patterns you’ve inherited. Notice when you’re reacting in ways that feel automatic or when you’re falling into old habits that don’t serve your relationship. Here’s how I help people understand their relationship patterns.
Pause: In the heat of the moment, give yourself permission to pause. You don’t have to react immediately. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you’re choosing to face the flames, not add fuel to the fire. I have a useful post on how you can calm down while you pause your difficult discussion.
Choose a New Response: Instead of defaulting to anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal, try something different. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but that’s a sign that you’re stepping out of the old pattern. Speak calmly, express your feelings without blaming, or ask for a break if you need one.
Seek Support: Breaking generational patterns is hard work, and you don’t have to do it alone. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, find people who can support you on this journey.
Practice Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing something incredibly brave and difficult. There will be setbacks, but each time you choose to face the flames, you’re making progress.
The Impact of Your Courage
When you choose to change the way you do relationships, you’re not just making a difference in your own life. You’re creating a ripple effect that will benefit your partner, your children, and even your extended family. You’re modeling a healthier way of relating that can inspire those around you to do the same.
By facing the flames of intergenerational trauma, you’re bringing peace to your ancestors and sparing the children that follow. You’re breaking the cycle, one courageous step at a time.
Be the Hero of Your Story
You have the power to be the generational hero who turns to face the flames. It’s not easy, and it requires you to step outside your comfort zone and do something different from what you’ve always known. But the rewards are worth it. By choosing to break the cycle of dysfunction, you’re not only healing yourself but also creating a legacy of love, connection, and peace for future generations.
If you need support on this journey, I’m here to help. Whether you’re struggling with inherited patterns or simply want to build a healthier relationship, I offer personalized counseling to support you in your quest to be the hero of your story. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
You have the courage to face the flames, and in doing so, you’re creating a brighter future for yourself and those you love.