One of the most challenging dynamics I see in couples therapy is the stalemate that occurs when both partners are deeply hurt. Each person waits for the other to apologize first, to make the first concession, or to express remorse. This standoff can leave both parties feeling stuck, frustrated, and disconnected.
It’s a common scenario: each partner feels they have legitimate reasons to be the first to receive an apology. After all, their hurt is real, and their grievances are valid. However, this pattern of waiting for the other to make the first move can lead to a prolonged period of suffering and resentment.
The Poison of Resentment
Malachy McCourt once said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” This powerful metaphor captures the self-destructive nature of holding onto anger and waiting for the other person to make amends. When we cling to our grievances, hoping our partner will be the first to show remorse, we poison our relationship with bitterness and alienation.
The Cost of Being Right
In these situations, the desire to be “right” can overshadow the need for connection. The belief that “I deserve an apology first” can become a barrier to healing and reconciliation. But what do we gain by being the last to take responsibility or express remorse? The truth is, there is no real advantage. Instead, we prolong our own pain and the pain of our partner.
Terry Real’s poignant question, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” resonates deeply here. Prioritizing being right over being connected can lead to a lonely and disconnected relationship.
Breaking the Cycle
So how do we break free from this toxic cycle of resentment and hurt? Here are some strategies to help couples move past this stalemate and begin the process of healing:
1. Shift Your Perspective: Instead of focusing on who should apologize first, consider the bigger picture. Ask yourself what you value more: being right or being connected with your partner. Shifting your perspective from blame to empathy can help you see the situation from your partner’s point of view.
2. Take the First Step: Someone has to make the first move. It might as well be you. Taking the first step towards reconciliation is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength and commitment to your relationship. By apologizing or expressing remorse first, you open the door to healing and create a space for your partner to do the same. Here’s an image to help you get perspective: Imagine that your emotional/relational injuries were physical wounds. Imagine you and your partner in the emergency room bleeding from major wounds, but each holding bandages. Now imagine the farce of insisting that the other person dress your wounds first, and the other person demanding the same, all while each of you bleeds. Is it worth it? Wouldn’t it be better just to dress the other person’s wound first so that both of you can be saved?
3. Communicate without Criticism: Start with “I statements” that talk about your need. A great way to do this is outlined in my blog post “Feedback Without Fighting”
4. Let Go of Resentment: Holding onto resentment only harms you. Practice forgiveness, not just for your partner, but for yourself. Letting go of resentment frees you from the emotional poison that keeps you stuck in a cycle of hurt.
5. Seek Professional Help: If you find it difficult to navigate these conversations on your own, consider seeking the help of a couples therapist. A therapist can provide a neutral space for both partners to express their feelings and work towards reconciliation.
The Healing Power of Responsibility
Taking responsibility for your part in a conflict does not diminish your partner’s responsibility. Rather, it demonstrates a willingness to prioritize the health of your relationship over the need to be right. When both partners embrace this mindset, healing becomes possible.
The stalemate of waiting for the other person to apologize first only prolongs suffering for both of you. By taking the first step towards reconciliation, you break the cycle of resentment and create a pathway to healing and connection. Remember, resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. And as Terry Real wisely asks, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” Choose to heal instead.
If you’re in the Minneapolis area and want to learn more about managing these dynamics in your relationship, I’m here to help. Whether you’re struggling with recurring conflicts or simply want to strengthen your partnership, I offer personalized couples counseling to support you in building a healthier, more connected relationship. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.