We get into a relationship. Things begin to palpably turn sour. But we stay. We know it’s not good. People in our life warn us. But we stay. It’s one of the strangest paradoxes in human behavior. We all know someone who has been in this situation. That “someone” might even be us.

Why is it so hard to let go of an unhealthy relationship?

Needless to say, everyone’s situation is different. If you have reasons for staying in your relationship and it continues to be an unhealthy dynamic, get help. Not everyone can change out a blown head gasket in a car engine. Same with relationships.

When things are bad, getting professional help can change the trajectory of your relationship. But if you’ve tried getting help and things are still not resolving, your partner isn’t accepting responsibility. This piece is about what gets in the way of finally “calling it.”

Fear of Being Alone

This factor deserves its own section. I’ve spoken to countless people who later felt they “stayed too long.” Loneliness is a frequent and important factor. Being alone can feel unacceptable for a variety of reasons, e.g.

• You measure self-worth by your relationship status

• Social media culture makes you feel abnormal if you’re single

• All your friends are in a relationship

• You identify so strongly with being partnered that you genuinely don’t know who you are as a single person

Then, of course, is a simple fact that you sometimes (or often) feel lonely. This can create a “better than nothing” perspective on your current relationship. The fear of being alone overwhelms your feelings of unhappiness and being stuck. Then, there are fears that developed long before you realized what was happening.

As a young child, you may have developed an anxious attachment. An unreliable caregiver (usually a parent) did not or could not meet your needs. This creates an attachment style that follows you in adulthood. You unconsciously seek out incompatible partners and attempt to repair the scars from your youth. Being alone, in your mind, is simply not an option.

4 More Reasons Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

1. “I stayed this long.”

There’s the concept of “sunk-loss.” As time passes, you commit a fair amount of energy to your partnership. Why quit now, you wonder. Sticking around and trying to “figure things out” appears to be far more palatable than starting again from scratch.

2. “I can change them.”

It’s the eternal hope that your partner will change and everything will improve. Such a mindset makes it harder for you to recognize red flags. You’re too busy fantasizing about great things will be once your partner has transformed into your ideal image of them.

3. “I can fix this.”

Some people thrive as “fixers.” Your relationship is crumbling around you, but you see it as a challenge. You’re not a quitter and, perhaps, you’d be mortified to fail so publicly. You do more and more and more. Nothing changes, but you believe it’s only because you just haven’t found the secret formula.

4. “What if I’m wrong?”

An emotionally abusive partner will manipulate you into not believing your own eyes. When you are being gaslighted like that, you begin to doubt yourself. When friends point out issues, you vehemently defend your partner. You may go as far as seeing yourself as the reason why the relationship is a disaster.

How Couples Counseling Can Help

Working with a skilled, unbiased guide is an excellent choice in a situation like this. You can learn invaluable skills like:

• Setting boundaries

• Prioritizing yourself

• Processing grief and loss

• Reinventing your attachment style

As you work on yourself, you can directly address that primal fear of being alone. You can find new perspectives, new patterns, and new approaches. You’re not doomed to an endless cycle of toxic, unfulfilling bonds. Let’s connect to talk more about the possibilities.

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.