The last two years have had a bit of a Groundhog Day flavor, huh? Considering the outside factors, this is not surprising. However, when the “same thing over and over” vibe has infiltrated your interactions with your partner, you need to pay attention. This goes double when the repetition is happening within conflicts.
You may be having the same fight over and over, e.g. “you never call when you’re running late.” You may also be having familiar fights around different topics. In this case, you say “you never call when you’re running late” when it’s really something else is bugging you. I call it relationship whack-a-mole.
Why Couples Have the Same Fight
Yes, they are times when one or both of you simply refuse to correct an annoying habit. More likely, however, the familiar fight is just a front. There are underlying issues that are challenging to talk about. The longer they are neglected, the more they seek release elsewhere.
Thus, when he “forgets” to call when running late, an opening is created. The two of you can let out some of the building resentment—convincing yourself that you are not fighting over anything “serious.”
In reality, the content of your argument is not a cause for alarm. Your problems lie in the process itself. Unless this cycle is addressed, the moles will keep popping up until you run out of ways to whack them.
Understanding and Addressing Your Fight Cycle
Accept That There is a Process Happening
Don’t get so attached to the seemingly small issues that cause conflict. Step back—together—to get a bigger picture view. Once you realize there are deeper factors at work, you can recalibrate your perspective.
Identify Your Triggers
When the fight cycle is in full effect, both of you will be easily and often triggered. To slow down the cycle, it really helps to recognize and monitor your triggers. Keeping a journal is an excellent way to commence this process. For starters, it might be best to do this work on yourself.
Pointing out your spouse’s triggers can be, well… triggering.
Discover the Real Issues
Once you’ve accepted what’s going and reduced the amount of triggering, you should notice a de-escalation. This is an ideal setting for exploration. What’s got you feeling so defensive? Is there something you’re not acknowledging? Again, this is best done alone first.
Dig deep into yourselves before collaborating on this journey.
Communicate Directly and Honestly
Bring your discoveries to the discussion and hash them out. If you have been able to scale back the aggression, it may feel smoother to speak bluntly. Let each other know what your underlying issues and concerns are.
In addition, now is the time to take responsibility for your role in the fight cycle. Being humble and vulnerable lays a foundation for even more honesty.
Try Couples Counseling
In case you’re wondering, I am fully aware that everything on the above list could be classified as “easier said than done.” But all of those suggestions also qualify as “easier when done with a therapist.” For real.
Couples counseling is an ideal venue for the challenging work of digging below the surface. In the presence of a skilled and unbiased guide, you and your partner are ideally positioned to succeed. Your weekly sessions become a safe space of sorts—a workshop if you will. Together, we will say the quiet parts out loud and break the fight cycle.
If you feel stuck in a quagmire of familiar fights, I’d love to hear from you. Let’s connect for a free consultation and get you on the path toward healing.
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.