Relationships can take many forms. Over time, a couple can transform and shift how they communicate and interact with each other. What might seem “cute” or “quirky” on the surface, however, could be the sign of an underlying problem. Case in point: When one partner ends up parenting the other.
Generally speaking, this means one of you is assuming a child-like position. You’re the one who needs to be scolded, prodded, nagged and controlled. To some degree, every couple will have one partner who is more reliable. This dynamic can grow to a point where both partners harbor deep resentment. But here’s the biggest problem with parenting your parter: they end up assuming the role of the child and children don’t get married. What does this mean? You won’t be married for long.
Signs That You Might Be Parenting Your Partner
Take a closer look at your relationship interactions. Do you engage in any of the following behaviors?
To start the day, it’s you who has to wake up your partner, pick out their clothes, help them get ready, and make sure they get to work on time.
If you don’t keep track of your partner’s keys, wallet, etc., they lose them.
When it comes to health, you keep them on track with medications, fill out forms for them, nag them to maintain healthy habits, and get them back and forth to appointments.
You pick up after them, serve as their reminder for basically everything, and you often adopt a parental tone when speaking to them.
It’s you who carries the weight when it comes to earning money, doing household chores, making important decisions, etc.
We could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea. Again, things can be fine when one partner is simply more organized. But parenting your partner is a counterproductive pattern that frequently spirals deeper into the dynamic.
Does This Behavior Ever Make Your Partner “Grow Up”?
Rarely, if ever. They are not going to magically become a focused, reliable adult. And there’s a chance you don’t even want that. What might really be happening is that the partner/parent is seeking control. You are genuinely annoyed by your partner’s lack of responsibility. You resent not being able to trust them to be capable. But you also exploit it by grabbing more power. Treating them like a child merely serves to deepen the dynamic.
Say Hello to Codependency
Left unchecked, the parenting your partner scenario will have two emotional outcomes:
Loss of intimacy: You lose your lust when one of you is acting like a parent and the other assumes a child role. You’re bonded through this dysfunction, but not in a way that fosters intimacy and passion. If this is your situation, figuring out how to talk about your intimate needs is a key
Emotional codependency: The more you parent your partner, the more they come to rely on you. They come to you for everything — no matter how small. With your physical bond broken (see above), this creates a deeper emotional reliance on each other. You unconsciously put more and more demands on each other as codependency takes hold.
You Can Stop Parenting Your Partner
It’s normal for romantic partners to care for and help each other. They should be nurturing and supportive. But if you find that you are aiming parenting behaviors in their direction, you have the power to change that, e.g.:
Allow your partner to make mistakes and learn from them
Refrain from commenting on how they perform their daily tasks
Check your tone of voice when speaking to your partner. I have an article on how frustration is a milder form of anger.
Then give feedback about what your needs are and how they aren’t being met. I have an article on feedback without fighting.
Fully accept that this is not what either you want and it is detrimental to your relationship
From there, be mindful of how you interact and open a dialogue about creating change. If you find that the parent-child dynamic is too deeply embedded, let’s talk. Working with a couples therapist is an ideal way to address this situation.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.