It’s not an uncommon scenario. In fact, the trope of meddling in-laws is common enough to be the plot of plenty of movies and the punch line of many a stand-up comic. You choose a partner but have no say in the extended family that comes along in the deal. This dynamic takes on a particularly strong meaning during the holiday season.
Pop culture and social media tell us that we should be one big, happy family. Reality is usually far more complicated. Two family cultures are being blended, and this means compromise, sacrifice, and sometimes conflict. How do you manage this challenge?
How to Manage the Holidays if You Don’t Get Along with Your Partner’s Family
Communicate With Your Spouse
This is a time to communicate your needs before things get dicey. It’s important to start he process when it’s calm for the same reason people prepare an evacuation plan before there’s a fire. When you’re both calm, the conversation is more likely to be constructive. If you have concerns and anxieties about a holiday gathering, do not keep them to yourself. This is not an invitation to launch into a critique of your in-laws. Rather, be crystal clear about your worries and fears. Then, ask for help and support. Set boundaries if you feel they are needed and do whatever you can to get you and your partner on the same page.
Be Yourself
You have every right to avoid certain conversation topics or opt to not dress up as Santa. But you’d be doing yourself no favors by trying to people-please your way through the holidays in the hope that it keeps the peace. You’ll end up exhausted and brimming with resentment. So, just be yourself. Allow your partner’s family to see who your partner has fallen in love with.
And again, you have every right to set boundaries. Prepare some lines in advance for not partaking in a conversation about politics or social issues. You are required to take the bait if someone is goading you.
If Necessary, Create an Exit Plan
Sometimes, your partner will be just as nervous about their own family as you are. If past history leads you to believe some conflict is inevitable, plan together in advance. First, do not host the gathering. Also, tell the host — well before the event — that you have multiple plans throughout the day and may be the first to leave. You do not have to grit your teeth and endure an ugly scene.
Stay Curious
If the situation feels more uncomfortable than confrontational, you could try to make it work. Make it your early New Year’s resolution to better understand your in-laws. Try engaging, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and setting yourself up for future gatherings. For starters, challenge yourself to be curious. Respectfully learn more about the dynamics and history of your partner’s family.
Make Your Own Plans
There is no rule stating that you cannot celebrate a holiday the day after or even the week after the actual holiday. Collaborate with your partner to plan out something very fun to do together. This way, no matter how the big family gathering goes, you’ll still be creating epic holiday memories as a couple. It’s always a good time to create new traditions and new rituals.
Don’t Let Your Partner’s Family Get Between You and Your Partner
This is the main concern, and it’s easier said than done. If you and your spouse are struggling when it comes to finding balance during the holidays, let’s talk. Working with a therapist is a proven path toward discovery and resolution. In a therapy setting, you have the opportunity to speak openly in the presence of a skilled and unbiased guide.
There is no better solution to a problem than stopping it before it happens. I can help you make this happen so you can experience more joy this holiday season.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.