When traveling with your partner, it can be quite a blend of fun and friction. Let’s consider a recent study. It found that 17 percent of romantic partners cut short vacations due to the fights they were having. One in five couples reported breaking up right after a stressful getaway. It’s not exactly what those travel ads promise, huh?
Taking a trip can be stressful for everyone. All the details, planning, delays, and related issues can wear out even the most seasoned traveler. Unexpected events can make things much less enjoyable. The key for couples is to emerge from the challenge with greater unity, not greater conflict.
Common Reasons Why Couples Fight on Vacation
Here are some reasons why couples fight on vacation.
Different Interests
Some folks like to lounge around. Others want to soak in every ounce of culture within a ten-mile radius. Neither is right or wrong, but try telling that to a couple during a vacation fight. Couples who fight because they are arguing about their individual interests are failing compromise. You may feel like your spouse doesn’t listen to you. You may feel that your spouse doesn’t value your opinion. Or you may feel like they can’t get their heads out a constant irritable mood. These feelings can compel you to disengage entirely, fight, or shut down.
Starting where they are is an important aspect of resolving these different interests. I like to say:
“You can have exactly what you want, but it may not be with your spouse.”
If their presence is important to you, you have to be willing to compromise.
Different Styles
One partner may pack a week in advance while the other waits until the last minute
One is an over-packer, and the other forgets half the stuff they need
You may have very different ideas about what time to wake up and get to bed while away
Too much drinking?
Schedule or no schedule?
Here the important part is to ask yourself,”So what if they want to have more or less scheduling than you do.” It’s important for both of you to understand the effect these differences have you, especially if the other insists on their style of travel.
Here’s one of my favorite ways to explain the impact their insistence or their mood or their style. It uses the phrase “the story in my head.” as a way to let your spouse know that you’re taking responsibility for how you interpret things, but that it’s still a struggle to overcome. This may help recruit your spouse to collaborate.
Money
On vacation, it’s very easy to lose track of spending. Setting a budget feels like a buzzkill. Plus, what do each of you prefer to spend on? Shopping? Drinks and food? Tourist sites? Money means different things to different people. That’s why money is a big trap for a lot of couples. Since both of you use money, it’s logical to spend less and save more, right? Except for that cute teddy bear for your 4 year old. Or the disney memorabilia for your nephew. Money only means something to us because it can be exchanged into something that really means something to us. To resolve fights over money, you must understand the meaning that’s attached to the money.
Proximity
Even the happiest couple most likely does not spend all day with each other. Jobs and other responsibilities divide your life into sections that could be summed up as together or not together. You get used to it and probably get comfortable with it. Then, suddenly, you’re with each other 24/7 in an unfamiliar place.
New Location, Old Fights
If there are issues between you now, they will surface even when you’re sipping a drink at a beachside bar. Don’t feel listened to? They may get you the wrong drink order. Feel lonely? They may go out for their 4 hour runs on your
Some Possible Compromises to Consider
Have a long — I mean long — discussion before moving forward with your travel plans. Some compromises to talk about include:
Budgeting
This is critical. Money is a major stressor for couples. Thus, it is imperative that you plan in advance as to how to address your spending.
Solo Time
There is no rule that says a vacationing couple has to spend every minute together. Come up with ways to divide your days so both of you feel satisfied.
Logistics
If your partner likes to get to the airport several hours early, allow it. In return, secure a promise from them to not focus on how much or how little you packed. Leave room for trade-offs. More importantly, leave room for each of your to be yourselves.
Talk Before Vacation to Avoid Fights After Vacation
You may recognize a theme here. Unless you communicate during the planning phase of a trip, you’ll be arguing once the trip commences. The problems that have not been resolved will resurface in the guise of travel-related differences. Therefore, it must be non-negotiable that you work on yourselves — for the quality of your vacation and the betterment of your relationship.
In other words, you need a therapist more than you need a travel agent. In couples counseling, you can discuss all the above issues (and more) in the presence of an experienced and unbiased guide. Getting yourselves on the right track in your everyday life can make events like vacations extra special. Let’s plan a free consultation before you plan the trip of a lifetime.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.