When two people meet and fall in love, it doesn’t mean they are exactly alike. Here’s a pro-tip: every couple I’ve worked was raised in a different family, and thus a different culture. This involves elements like class, religion, geography, family dynamics, and so much more. It may also involve race. As much as we wish the world would just shrug and “so what,” racism remains alive and well in 2022.
In the big picture, this is a societal or global concern. In terms of romantic relationships between people of different races, there is a personal factor that can impact a couple’s bond. Therefore, it’s healthy to identify potential challenges before they happen.
4 Challenges Interracial Couples Face
1. Overt Racism
Let’s get right to the big one. Assuming one or both of you are a person of color (POC), you don’t need me to tell you that bias and discrimination can be relentless. From job opportunities to real estate to simply driving your car, you never feel too far from potential problems. Obviously, this can add a ton of strain to your relationship.
2. Subtle Racism
Unfortunately, people will do things like try to guess your race or ethnicity or make “jokes” about your relationship. Sometimes it’s as subtle as talking to the “more accepted” half of the couple. Sometimes people can put you in a certain role, such as assuming that since you’re a minority, that you’re the “hired help” mowing the lawn. Such folks will claim they “didn’t mean anything,” but regardless, it adds up.
3. Raising Your Children
Bringing children into the world is a profound statement of optimism and commitment. When their parents are interracial, the obstacles increase. For example:
Language
Cultural traditions
Family holidays
Giving children a sampling of both parents’ cultures
Giving children a sense of identity
See #1 and #2
4. Old-Fashioned, Traditional Family Members
Older members of your extended families were raised in different time periods. This is not an excuse, but it is an explanation. Like it or not, your families will have definite expectations about how you live, love, raise kids, and interact in the world. Your relationship may confuse them.
If another language is involved, you may get complaints or wisecracks. As frustrating as this can be, it is not a reflection of your status as a loving and committed couple. However, it will have to be dealt with — at least from time to time.
Some Suggestions for Interracial Couples
Communication — LOTS and LOTS of Communication
Set a standard for frequent, direct, respectful, and face-to-face communication. You cannot control the outside work. The work here is to make sure each of you is synched up with the other
Connect With and Learn From Other Interracial Couples
Join online groups and, if possible, meet with other couples in person. There are so many valuable, hard-earned lessons out there. Seek them out and be ready to learn.
Set and Enforce Boundaries
It could be family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or strangers. No matter what, you have every right to set boundaries as to what is and isn’t acceptable in terms of words or behaviors.
Stick Together as a Team
You may disagree about things in private, but always present a unified front in public. Enforce boundaries as a team. Remember who you a
Be Patient With Your Children
They love you but they’ve also been placed in a sometimes tricky scenario. Give them space to find their rhythm and always make time to address their concerns.
Practice Self-Care
The strongest version of you and your partner will be better suited to display the resilience needed. Encourage and support each other as you both do your best to stay healthy and calm.
Ask For Help
No couple should be expected to have all the answers and to behave with all the grace. Get the support you deserve by connecting with a skilled therapist. Sure, an interracial couple will face some unique challenges. But with proper guidance, you can overcome those challenges and thrive as a couple and family.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn how to get unstuck, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.