Criticism in your relationship may seem normal to you. I’ve been asked,”Then how am I supposed to criticize my spouse, then?” As if people in relationships are entitled to criticizing their spouse. Here’s a newsflash - criticism is one of the “4 Horsemen” of relationship destruction in early marriage research by John Gottman.
When couples fight, criticism inevitably seeps in as a way of fighting. On the outside, it may even contain seed of a legitimate complaint. Criticisms like,”When you walk into the house and don’t even greet me, you act like you want to be cruel.” Actually have a seed of feedback, but is wrapped in the language of attack.
Signs Criticism Has Become a Problem:
You feel micromanaged and controlled
It begins a pattern of defensiveness and fighting
Your spouse criticizes you in front of others, including family, friends, your children, etc.
The criticism coming from your partner finds its way into the mouths of others
You’re being held to unrealistic standards
It’s reached the point where you stay quiet and keep your distance to avoid the judgments
Meanwhile, your spouse is over-sensitive and easily offended
You get called out for being a critic when you point out their criticizing tendencies
Even when you achieve an accomplishment, the focus is on what you could have done better
4 Ways Criticism Might Hurt Your Marriage
1. It is Ineffective
Let’s start with the basics. Firstly, even if you think they will be effective, insults and abuse are never the right choices. Secondly, you likely are finding the criticism to not be effective. Love being a “nag?” Of course not. You won’t get anyone to change by haranguing them. However, you will create an environment of negativity and defensiveness.
2. Criticism is a Self-Esteem Killer
The person closest to you is always putting you down. How long do you think it will take before that erodes one’s sense of self-worth? The words hit harder—much harder—when your partner is speaking them. As a result, the criticism can:
Shatter trust
Be taken as fact
Feel like a betrayal
Kill self-esteem
It also creates a dynamic of superiority. By pushing one partner down, the other partner positions themselves as better in a variety of ways. Once again, this is not how you get someone to reevaluate their actions and change. It will, however, build resentment and practically guarantee that your underlying message (assuming there is one) will go unheard.
3. Criticism is an Intimacy Killer
Why would anyone want to kiss, cuddle, or be intimate with the person who makes them feel bad all the time? Sure, couples fight and go through dry spells. But when criticism is a habit, it can create a deep chasm. In a self-fulfilling kind of way, once your sex life has nosedived, it becomes another source of criticism.
4. It Can Become Abusive
This is the elephant in the room. Emotional and verbal abuse are real and are traumatic. You don’t have to cause physical harm to be an abuser. You don’t have to set out to abuse to become an abuser.
Chronic criticism must be nipped in the bud. Left unchecked, it has the potential to normalize some ugly, ugly behaviors and choices. It does not have to evolve into abuse for it to be dangerous to the health of your relationship.
So Do I just Grin And Bear It?
If you can’t talk about what’s wrong for you in the relationship, then how are you supposed to correct things before they get out of hand?
When the Criticism Habit is Too Deeply Embedded
At some point, you might have trouble recognizing the habit if it’s been going on for a while. Something is wrong, you can feel it. You may get into regular conflicts, or have your partner or spouse regularly disengage or shut down in response to your criticism. Your bids to get them to come out of hiding may be seen as another criticism. This is the ideal time to consult a therapist. I help couples slow down their pattern of fighting ( which includes shutting down and defensiveness) If any of the above sounds familiar, let’s connect.
If you’re in Minnesota, I can help. My office is in Edina, near Southdale Mall. I’ve helped many couples by video, so if you’re further away, you can meet via video. You can email me at my contact page, call me by phone: 612.230.7171. Or you can click on the orange button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone conversation. Take good care.