The easy comeback to this post’s title is that relationships cause anxiety. But a better way to think about this is: Anxiety is present for you - how do you both deal with it together? Isn’t it lonely to have a problem that your trusted partner isn’t helping you with? Aren’t they the one that has your back?
We’re not talking about occasional nervousness or shyness. Everyone feels such emotions from time to time. Anxiety is a diagnosable mental health issue. It can hijack your joy and sabotage your relationships. Couples may come to see me with problems that start with an anxiety disorder.
Eventually, couples learn that anxiety is actually the always-on influencer lurking underneath. Understanding anxiety disorders reduces the impact of it on your relationship and lets you both take control of your relationship.
Anxiety Disorder Vs. Signal Anxiety
The emotion of anxiety is essentially worry for the future. “Signal anxiety” is a term that says “my worry about the future is actually telling me important information.” Eliminating all anxiety is not the general approach I take because some of it is important to have if it communicates important information. It’s more important to understand which of this anxiety is useful and which of it is not.
But Anxiety Disorders generate unhelpful amounts of anxiety. Anxiety disorders can generate so much anxiety that it generates distress inside you and the people around you. And that can be hard for your partner.
Anxiety Disorders
Again, this is not about those inevitable moments of worry or stress. Anxiety disorders occur when your feelings of anxiousness interfere with your daily life. Some of the many anxiety disorders include:
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Social Anxiety Disorder
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Panic Disorder
Specific Phobias
Each of these presents different symptoms but some important commonalities exist, for example:
Hypervigilance
Relentless worrying
Irritability
Intrusive thoughts
Restlessness
A feeling of impending doom
Excessive fear
Needless to say, symptoms like this have the potential to undermine relationship satisfaction in a variety of ways. Let’s look at some of them now.
4 Relationship Problems Those With Anxiety May Face
1. Anxiety Obscures Your Authentic Voice
Anxiety is a skilled liar. Over time, it becomes the dominant voice in your head. Anxiety overshadows your authentic voice. This can be dangerous because it:
Hinders your ability to know what you truly think and feel
Keeps you unsure as to what is a real or perceived threat
Prevents your partner from connecting with the real you
2. Anxiety Can Trump Empathy
People struggling with an overactive fear response can become very self-focused. They perceive danger and risk everywhere. As a result, they may have very little energy to give to the needs of others. Obviously, this is less than ideal for people in a relationship.
Your need to worry stands in the way of a compassionate give-and-take. Being vulnerable is very difficult for someone with anxiety. Being vulnerable is essential for any relationship to succeed. The partner of an anxious person may end up feeling resentful and insecure when their needs are not met. As a result…
3. Anxiety Damages Trust
A disorder like anxiety is not always obvious. It’s not like a physical illness. Therefore, the anxious person’s partner cannot simply explain behavior that appears selfish or detached. This erodes trust between you without even acknowledging the cause.
It’s essential to seek help if the symptoms listed above sound familiar. Knowing you have an anxiety disorder is a giant step toward dealing with the relationship issues it has helped to cause.
4. Anxiety Keeps You Stuck
People with anxiety love their comfort zones. They see risks everywhere and will often tolerate hardship rather than change. This trend keeps them stuck in their lives.
Imagine what it can do to a relationship. How can a couple move forward if one partner rejects most options as dangerous? Worry, in its healthiest form, can alert people to a need for change. Worry, when provoked by an anxiety disorder, feels like a screaming alarm with no end.
Let’s Go Back to the “Giant Step” Mentioned Above
You may be nodding your head as you read this, recognizing your tendencies. More likely, you may be familiar with all this because your partner is anxious. Either way, it’s time to get answers.
Talk to a mental health professional. Learn about what’s going on and what you can do to address it. Are you tired of dealing with this alone? Commit together to couples counseling to work through anxiety and all its fallout. This is the key for couples - getting you to work together on a problem that affects both of you. But the pattern of interacting for you can be
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.