It can’t be a surprise to you that relationships are work. Sure, you see the brights spots. The wonderful feeling of connection. The ecstatic feeling you get with sex. But the work comes in the maintenance. Think of it as a piece of road construction. Really romantic, eh? But there have been many examples of bridges or overpasses that collapsed due to lack of maintenance. Without people checking on the structural integrity of the bridges, through wear and use, they will collapse.

Similarly, with relationships, two people in a couple must check on each other regularly to ensure that the relationship is healthy and supporting both people.

In fact, that’s one of the jobs of the relationship - supporting the synchronization of you to your partner.

How Relationships Get Screwed Up Quickly

Often times, two people can either be fighting or in shut down mode or a combination of the two. When that happens, you’re not likely helping your partner hear you. If you’re shut down, you’re not responsive to them, and may be “gone without being physically gone.” If you’re fighting, then your criticism or yelling can be taking more attention than the important message you’re trying to get across. Instead of them hearing your message, they’re paying attention to anger. That can make you doubly upset!

Your Job: Help Your Partner Hear You

How are you helping your partner hear you? It’s hard to ask this question. You want to punish your enemy, and in an argument, that enemy is your partner, right? But let me ask you this: has punishing them allowed your arguments to end? My guess is that you’re feeling stuck in an endless loop of familiar arguments, sometimes including hurts from the past.

How You Get Stuck:

This will be different depending on the way you fight. Each of you contributes different things to perpetuate the fight, so each of your ways off your pattern are different.

• Get Big: You can yell, gesticulate, criticize, character assassinate. This is often the type of fighting depicted in Hollywood movies. It’s also the easiest to point out and counter-criticize because it’s so obvious.

• Go Away: This can be anything from actually physically leaving the scene to not paying attention to the other person, even as you are talking to them! You can be delivering canned answers or

• Shut Down: You can start getting fearful that the next thing you say can be the wrong thing. As you get quiet, your spouse or partner can feel like you’re withdrawing from them. It can feel lonely for them, or they can feel abandoned by you. Not sure you’re shutting down? Here’s an article I wrote on shutting down. It goes over why people shut down and what they can do about it.

How To Get Heard

Here are some examples that might increase the chance your partner can really hear you.

• Calm down - if you’ve taken out your verbal sword, they’re going to get defensive, or take out their “verbal shield.” Here are some ways to help you get that calmness back.

• Stop At Frustration - If you’re frustrated or irritated, start calming down now. Don’t wait until you have a tidal wave of anger -you might not be able to stop a tidal wave. My article on how frustration is a small version of anger is a good start. If you can stop things and cool down when you’re frustrated, you won’t even give yourself the chance to get heated.

• Come back to the discussion - If your M.O. is to leave or shut down, it’s essential that you come back and let the other person know that you’re ready to discuss the issue that’s hurting them.

• Stop Fixing It - Sometimes shutting down or going away shows up as “fixing it.” Your partner is likely to experience this as you telling them they’re being a nuisance, and to stop being difficult.

• Stop Stuffing it - If you respond to your fights by stuffing your feelings and shutting down, your partner will likely feel the resentment leaking out from you. They also aren’t seeing the real you. If you want to get heard, first you have to say what you need. And stuffing your feelings is kind of the opposite of that.

• Apologize - If you did any of the things above and you still expect to be heard, your partner might need an apology to be able to hear you. Here’s an article I wrote on how apologies can go wrong, and how to apologize better.

  
  
  

Calming Down

If you’re doing any of these things, you might have to cool down a little. There are some useful articles I’ve written to help cool down. First, recognize when anger is starting to rise. It doesn’t always look “angry” at first. Sometimes it can just look like frustration or irritation.

Then read my article on slowing down to go fast. This will help you understand the pitfalls of “pushing” for resolution of an argument when you’re already spinning your wheels.

If you want to know more about how I think about couples counseling, come look at my couples and marriage counseling page. I hope you can take some of these articles and techniques and use them to shift the way you do your relationship. I really believe in the transformative nature of love and want people to have more of it. If you’re finding yourself still getting into unhelpful patterns of behavior and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I’m in Edina near Southdale mall. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation so you can understand if I’m a right fit for you. You can send me an email on my contact page, call me at 612-230-7171, or self schedule an appointment by clicking the button on my contact page.