When you’re finally tired of the rollercoaster relationship you’re in, owning your feelings and your bad behavior can be your turning point. Saying,”I know I’m a sh[[ty spouse to you. I know I don’t listen,” can make your spouse finally start listening to you.
Sometimes, when people have been fighting for a while, they “dig in” and try to reinforce their positions, whether it’s criticism or a defensiveness. Does this sound familiar? Do you justify your bad behavior by talking about how the other person was doing something wrong? Do you talk about how you’re not doing something that bad? Do you talk about how you are defensive, BUT “at the same time, my wife (or husband or partner) shouldn’t have said [fill in the blank] to me.”
How is the digging in working for you? Is it helping you make forward progress? Is it helping you feel more heard or connected?
Let me just make this clear: If you’re yelling at your partner or spouse, you’re fighting. If you’re denying their experience and somehow trying to convince them they’re wrong/ overreacting/ or being over-emotional, you’re fighting. If you’re excusing yourself from the situation and disappearing, you’re fighting. Attack and defense are fighting.
What To Do If Fighting Doesn’t Work
Let me save you a lot of money and energy and time in couples therapy: Own your position, and own your fear/pain/insecurity. So much of couples counseling is geared to having people get to the point where they can be vulnerable enough to really tell their partner what they’re going through without using anger. I’ll say it another way: When anger enters the room, it takes all the attention. When you can say what you’re scared of, or what you’re hurting from without being angry, your partner or spouse has a much greater chance of hearing you.
If they can hear you, and really understand that you’re wanting a better relationship, and not just wanting to punish/fight back/disappear, then it will give you a chance at being heard. And don’t you want to get heard and seen by your spouse or partner?
What “Owning It” Does
When two people have an entrenched pattern of fighting (remember, it can look like withdrawing or yelling), they can really invalidate what the other person sees. When you tell your partner or spouse what you’re experiencing in the relationship, and they say “you’re overreacting!” How does that feel? Does it make it easier for you to hear their opinion?
When you’re owning your own bad behavior, or the way you’re talking “with an edge,” or the way you disappear or shut down, your partner feels validated. It means that what they see is what you see. It means they don’t have to fight you just for you to see their pain. It means that you could possibly be on their team. When you refuse to acknowledge your own behavior or underlying emotion, they get a sense that they can’t trust you to be on their team. You have a long ways to be aligned if they look up and you tell them they’re looking down.
How I Help Couples Own It
Does your anger help you?
When people come in with anger, I want them to know 2 things: 1. That have great reasons why they are feeling angry and 2. The anger won’t help them make progress in their relationship. I tell couples that the secret to getting vulnerable and talking about underlying emotions is to slow down the conversation. Are you fighting? How do you fight? Do you fight? Do you run away? Do you freeze up? If you are fighting/fleeing/or freezing, you need time to cool down. Any conversation being attempted while either of you are in this state won’t work.
The Nuts And Bolts
I’ve written some articles on how I help couples cool down when they’re out of the office. First, recognize when anger is starting to poke its head in your conversation. My article on how frustration is a small version of anger is a good start. Why? Because people are often frustrated long before they are angry. If you can stop things and cool down when you’re frustrated, you won’t even give yourself the chance to get heated.
Then read my article on slowing down to go fast. This will help you understand the pitfalls of “pushing” for resolution of an argument when you’re already spinning your wheels.
If you want to know more about how I think about couples counseling, come look at my marriage counseling page. I hope you can take some of these articles and techniques and use them to shift the way you do your relationship. I really believe in the transformative nature of love and want people to have more of it. If you’re finding yourself still getting into unhelpful patterns of behavior and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I’m in Edina near Southdale mall. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation so you can understand if I’m a right fit for you. You can send me an email on my contact page, call me at 612-230-7171, or self schedule an appointment by clicking the button on my contact page.