Relationships are hard. Marriages are hard. You want the person that you depend on most in your life to be the most dependable. But when you ask over and over for something and your spouse or partner either can’t hear or doesn’t care, it can be a real blow to your relationship. But what if there’s a way that you can increase the chance that your partner can hear you?

“But I’ve been trying for YEARS to get my partner to pick up after themselves!” Yes. This may be true. And by this time, when the “honeymoon” period is over, you may be leaving notes. You may be irritably texting them reminders. You may have just decided to do it yourself. You may hav given up.

But trust me. You may also be getting in your way when it comes to communicating what you need.

The Myth of 50/50

This doesn’t mean that strictly 50/50 split of relationship responsibilities is the solution. In fact, if there’s an imbalance in your relationship and communication isn’t effective, blocking off responsibilities may only be a temporary solution. Have a hard time picking up after yourself, so now your job is all the laundry? Does it solve the problem when you both are traveling, or when guests stay with you (in a post vaccine world!) and their sheets need to get done? Does it solve the problem when you have kids and now the laundry is a MUCH bigger task?

No one can’t quantify what an actual 50/50 split is. And life changes and shifts. It can be so much easier when instead of hard rules, you have great communication at your fingertips so that when you are needing more care, you can reach out to your loved one and ask for what you need.

Signs That You’re Not Getting What You Need

• You Feel Stuck: You’re going through the motions. You’ve lost track of your goals, and at best, you’re treading water.

• Anxiety and Self-Doubt Rule the Day: You feel the need to remind yourself (or your partner) that you are worthy of support. Simmering beneath that trend is a vague but constant feeling of anxious dread.

• Exhaustion (in every possible form): Physical, emotional, and existential fatigue are leaving you drained and a bit hopeless.

• You’re Hesitant to Speak Up: The lines of healthy communication have not been properly tended to. As a result, you keep your resentment to yourself for fear of rocking the already leaky boat.

• You’re Irritated/Annoyed/Angry: These are emotions on the same spectrum. I call them the “anger spectrum emotions.” They serve to either generate distance because you’re hurting or bash through defensiveness in your spouse.

How To Help Your Spouse Give You What You Need

Communicate!

• Calmly

• Often

• Be radically honest

• Face-to-face

With that in mind, the first question to ask yourself is: Am I clearly stating my needs? It’s one thing to complain, e.g. “You’re always on your phone.”

It’s an entirely different thing to calmly state: “I don’t feel connected to you when you’re near your phone. Let’s take tech breaks together to re-connect. What do you think?”

Common Mistakes In Communicating Needs

It’s common that communicating needs isn’t done until you’re really exhausted or tired or fed-up. So when you’re in that state, it’s natural that even if the words your speaking are neutral, that your tone has an edge. Or that your mannerisms tell them “You’re Screwing Up!”. Those are examples of criticisms. And when you lead with criticism, your partner will more likely respond with defensiveness.

Some common ways you may inaverdently criticize your partner:

• Tone: Exhausted, snippy, impatient, or annoyed.

• Sarcasm: It’s a form of aggression and can be a way you signal fighting

• Tell them your needs only when they tell you theirs: both of you get to have your needs. Addressing them should be done individually.

• Gesturing: handwaving , or pouring in energy into a conversation can feel overwhelming to your partner.

Practice Self-Care

You can meet some of your needs and wants yourself. If you feel tired or out of shape or over-stressed, commit to a regimen of self-care. Elements to include:

• Daily exercise and activity

• Maintain regular sleep patterns

• Make healthy eating choices

• Practice stress management

• Stay connected with others outside of your relationship

When such needs are being met, you can more clearly recognize if and how your spouse is not supporting you. You may discover you were expecting too much. No one should be relied on to do more than they can.

Discuss Your Partner’s Ability to Meet Your Needs

You may need your partner to regularly express their love for you. You may have a partner who is far more comfortable doing that through actions. Thus, in your eyes, your need is being neglected. This kind of emotional mismatch requires direct conversation.

It’s not realistic to expect someone to switch to behaviors that feel unnatural to them. But it is appropriate to work together on a compromise. Both of you can give 100 percent to this commitment. Still, the result may leave you wanting.

Learn and Grow Together

Mutual support is a journey. There is no finish line. I’ve worked with many couples who have discovered this reality. It’s a pleasure to guide them to deeper communication and better balance. They cultivate the self-awareness needed to navigate this path.

If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.