This whole Covid-19 pandemic felt at first like someone was promising a 5K. “Social distancing for 2 weeks.” That sounds benign enough. “I can do anything for 2 weeks,” You might have said. But instead of a 2 week forced vacation, It has been extension after extension. News sound byte after news sound byte letting me know,”Not to worry, at least Minneapolis isn’t New York!” But now it’s starting to feel like I got to the finish line only for someone to tell me,”Nope, keep going! Only 23.5 miles left to go!”
The sheer willpower needed to go through these times reminds me of my couples. How else can you explain couples feeling so lonely for years yet staying together to make good on a commitment? Or married couples staying together so they wouldn’t impact their kids. More on this in a little bit.
Shifting Gears to Finish The Race: Covid-19 Edition
I’m not a running expert, but it seems to me that if you start at a 5K pace and you reach the finish line only to get told you have 23 miles left, it can knock the wind out of your sails. What you expected was not at all what you prepared for. And the way you ran your first 3 miles exchanged endurance for maximum speed.
That’s the way the moving finish line of a Covid-19 quarantine can feel. The things you used to cope with a 2 week quarantine isn’t going to work long-term. Were people annoying you, but could be ignored because it was only going to last for 2 weeks? Were the disagreements you were having with your spouse ignored because you could “stuff it” for 2 weeks? Were the ways your spouse was parenting not optimal, but could be ignored for the time being because the downside of conflict is way negative than the benefits of working together?
I’ve seen people stuff their feelings for decades only to find that it never made the feelings go away and it created a huge gap between partners. What I help couples do is come together and express their needs without getting into arguments or getting to a place where they’re giving the silent treatment to each other. Both are harmful to the relationship.
What this means is that your relationship will end up not just improved, but different. Yes, it takes energy to talk to your spouse, but couples who are able to talk about their feelings will feel less alone. So if you feel really alarmed that the finish line is moving for the quarantine, you can enlist the help of your spouse instead of pushing them away and doing it alone. That alone may be worth the risk you take in talking about your feelings. So fine, maybe you’re willing to make the leap. How to do it?
Go Slow To Go Fast: Feelings Without Fighting.
One phrase: Go slow to go fast. Most couples who get into fights report going really fast. Someone gets triggered, then quick anger boils up, which may cause the other person to get defensive, which causes another reaction from the other person, and so on. This happens because people become triggered. Triggers cause disproportionate (and maybe big) responses in people because they tell people that they’re in danger.
Let’s think of what a physical trigger is. It’s a mechanism that allows, with a few ounces of pressure, the release of an explosive force. Reactions due to triggers can happen quickly and can be surprising to the other partner because they are disproportionate, fast, and unpredictable.
Slowing things down allows the triggered person to reduce the severity of their response, slow down the number of harmful words/actions they take, and help their partner create a narrative about why they’re triggered in the first place. So how are couples to slow things down once someone’s already triggered?
Outside The Office Skills: The Time-Out.
There are often times when triggers unleash a well-worn pattern of fighting. When you get this pattern returning, it may be beneficial to call a time-out. But here’s the danger about the time out - if one of you commonly distances or gets quiet or leaves the scene during a fight, the time-out can be mistaken for actual fighting. So it can’t just be a simple time-out. Here are the steps:
Find a “safe word.” In a calm moment, talk to your partner or spouse about a shared name for your pattern of fighting. Some people call it their “race track” or their “loop.” It can be anything. The point is that it triggers an attention to your pattern of fighting for both of you.
Agree to respecting the safe word. When one person is asking for a pause, both people should respect it.
Agree in the moment how long your time-out will be until you check-in again. This is for a check-in, not a resolution of the argument. That comes later. Both people check in with how they themselves are feeling and then communicate that to the other person. An extension may need to be added, or a request may need to be made.
Respect the extension.
Respect the request. Your partner may just not have it in them to resolve the argument with just the two of you together sitting in front of each other. Your partner may need to walk with you to discuss this. They may need to be doing yoga or exercise. Or they may need a 3rd party to help. This may be a great way to use a couples counselor to help with the resolution of a very hurtful situation.
Always come back at the appointed time. This is especially important if your M.O. in arguments is to leave or disconnect from your partner. Being reliable in returning after a time-out will help guarantee that you can still use this mechanism in the future. If you get flaky, you’ll see your fight spreading to this area of your life as well.
If you’re looking at this Time-Out method and saying,”I don’t think we can do this ourselves,” it’s a great time to use a couples therapist. A good marriage or couples therapist can help you get under the anger, frustration, and resentment and really get both of you to help heal each other’s wounds instead.
If you’re curious about more of my thoughts on marriage counseling, check out my marriage counseling page or my marriage counseling blog. If you’re in the western Twin Cities area, I can help. Just call me at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
Stay safe.