Let me correct that headline. Only practice saying that to your spouse if you actually miss them. But pause before you react with anger. It is so common for anger to slip in when spouses don’t show up for each other that anger slips in. It’s painful to be disconnected from our loved one. And when pain surfaces and it's associated with something like disconnection, it can feel so easy to use anger to break through that disconnection.
Anger to Break Through Disconnection?
Yep. Imagine that your spouse has a giant wooden shield up as you’re trying to connect and talk to them. Or imagine that they are walking backwards away from you and now there’s a 20 feet between you and they can barely hear you. Do you get some frustration registering? Now imagine that they won’t stop what they’re doing and this happens day in, day out for months. Does some anger start registering? Do you have an impulse to grab their shield to get their attention? Do you imagine throwing a tomato to tell them to come closer? You’re not alone.
Anger Works Well- Maybe Too Well
The good thing about anger is that it works well. The bad thing about anger is that it works well. Huh? When your spouse feels disconnected, it can be distressing because that’s the one person you depend on to be there for you. So when they feel so far apart, doesn’t it make sense to use your “outdoor voice” to reach them?
Anger works similarly to this “outdoor voice.” Anger is like the screaming of emotions. It has multiple functions. It’s meant to protect you by making you look bigger. It’s meant to get attention. It’s meant to reach across more space. But to the dismay of a lot of my clients, it is taking up all the attention in the room instead of the message you were originally trying to send.
Where does “I Miss You” Come in?
It can be really painful to say “I miss you.” So much so that it’s easier just to be angry. But instead of riding the anger train, staying vulnerable despite the risk is the only way to communicate what you want without getting stuck in a fight.
Vulnerability Sucks. . . You’re Welcome
When I help couples reduce reactivity and lean into vulnerability instead of anger, they tell me one thing very consistently: This is hard. Confirmed, it is really difficult. But this is why leaning into vulnerability in this case works so well. Your partner expects most people to fall into the familiar pattern of not being vulnerable with them. So when you do, it perks up their ears. It’s special.
Think of how people treat you when you’re down-and-out. Think of how many people will ask you how you are, but when you finally tell them how awful you’re feeling, you hear some version of “don’t worry, be happy!” Our partner or spouse is the person that we want most to actually listen and just accept where we are. That’s the person who we want the most to sit in the mud with us and just accept us. That is a special gift that our partners can give to us.
Vulnerability’s Gift
The upside of being vulnerable with your spouse and saying,”I miss you” Is that your spouse will likely hear something different. While they used to hear your anger and probably got defensive and reactive to your anger, vulnerability is entirely disarming. Vulnerability can send a signal to your spouse that there is something important to listen to. This is in contrast to anger which tells your spouse that an attack is happening, and that they need to defend themselves. The contrast can be palpable.
We’ve Talked About This Before, But I’ve Never Heard This.
This often results in the statement that “We’ve talked about this before, but I’ve never heard this.” When you can slow things down and talk from a place of vulnerability, more of what you want to say lands the way you intended with your spouse.
How This Works In Couples Counseling
The way this works in the therapy office is that I start slowing you down if you come in with anger. Remember, anger’s not bad. It’s just not that useful in this case. You’re trying to tell the other person how much you miss them, not how much you’re going to verbally smack them around if they don’t start loving you more.
When I’m there with you and saying,”Whoa! What’s going on here? It sounds like you’re really angry. Help me understand what’s getting you so angry?”
Then you get to reply with what’s hurting you, making you feel alone, or feel unloved.
For more of my thoughts on marriage counseling, stop by my marriage counseling page. If you’re having trouble navigating this yourselves, I recommend utilizing a therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. This modality helps uncover the underlying emotional processes that are hijacking your relationship. Once you understand the emotions that are driving your conflict pattern, they will have less control over your behavior.
If you’re in the western Twin Cities area, I can help. Just call me at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. I truly believe that getting the right fit is key in maximizing efficacy of your couples work.
Take good care.