I often get a couple coming in where they complain about the other person and expet me to adjudicate their conflict. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares? As Terry Real likes to say, “Would you like to be right, or would you like to be married?” My framework for couples is this: Relationship is two individuals working as a team against the inherent neurological responses that can disrupt a functional marriage. These responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—are deeply embedded in our biology, and they often arise in the face of perceived threats, including emotional conflicts within a relationship.

Conflict is an unavoidable part of any intimate relationship. How couples handle these conflicts, however, can either strengthen their bond or cause significant emotional damage. One crucial aspect of navigating conflicts is understanding and owning the way you fight. This involves recognizing your conflict style and its impact on your partner. In this blog, we will focus on the dynamic between withdrawers and their anxious attachment partners, and how owning your behavior can lead to healthier, more productive conflicts.

Parenting is a deeply personal and emotional experience. It's a journey that is not only relentless, but also holds a vulnerable mirror to our very own selves. When criticism of parenting arises, it can feel like a personal attack, causing significant emotional pain and conflict. Such criticism can lead to shutdowns, fights, and long-lasting resentment. Understanding why this happens and how to navigate these sensitive issues is crucial for maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship.

One of the most profound challenges couples face is navigating the instinctual survival responses that are hardwired into our brains: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These responses, while useful in life-threatening situations, can wreak havoc in our relationships. Couples counseling offers a collaborative space where partners can learn to team up against these primal responses, fostering healthier and more resilient connections.

In the journey of long-term relationships, playfulness often becomes a forgotten art. As couples navigate the responsibilities of work, parenting, and the mundane routines of daily life, the lightheartedness and spontaneity that once brought so much joy can fade into the background. Yet, playfulness is a vital ingredient in maintaining a vibrant and intimate connection. It’s the secret sauce that keeps love lively and resilient.

In the landscape of long-term relationships, one of the most common challenges couples face is maintaining a balance between desire and domesticity. It’s an intricate dance, a delicate interplay between the routine of daily life and the longing for passionate connection. As a couples counselor, I often encounter partners grappling with this tension. They ask, “How can we keep the spark alive amidst the demands of work, family, and the everyday?”

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, especially romantic ones. It’s easy to find ourselves entrenched in arguments, certain that we are right and that our perspective is the only valid one. However, even if you believe you are right, there are always ways to improve your approach to keep a disagreement from escalating into an argument and instead foster a productive conversation. Understanding and implementing these strategies can transform your relationship dynamics and lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Sex often mirrors the intricate steps of a dance. Each movement, each gesture communicates meaning and potential for deeper connection. But just as in dance, where feedback can refine and enhance performance, in intimacy, the way we give and receive feedback can either elevate the experience or lead to discord. The key lies in the personalization of feedback—how we frame it, deliver it, and process it—especially in the sensitive arena of sexual intimacy.

Whether in the context of therapy or romantic partnerships, the notion of "being felt" stands out as a profound catalyst for healing and connection. This feeling—essentially being truly understood and empathized with on an emotional level—serves as the bedrock upon which many therapeutic practices and successful relationships are built. Today I’m going to explore why the feeling of being felt is not just a beneficial element but a necessary foundation for healing in both therapy and love relationships.

In the aftermath of a disagreement with a spouse or partner, the silence can be deafening. The time spent waiting for the other person to break the ice with an apology often feels interminable, fraught with a mix of hurt feelings, stubborn pride, and a daunting emotional standoff. However, persistently waiting for your partner to apologize first may not just prolong the conflict—it could actually undermine the very foundation of your relationship

In the close-knit journey of marriage, complaints can either help us grow closer or push us apart. When one partner complains about something, it’s super common to want to hit back with a complaint of your own. However, this kind of reaction can really mess with the health of your relationship. Let’s dive into why firing back with your own complaints when your spouse raises an issue can hurt your bond, come off as defensive, make the conversation way more complicated, and often leave the original problem hanging.

I wanted to write a blog post about the ways I get tripped up personally in my relationship with my wife.  Why?  I’ve always felt it is a real public service for leaders in the mental health community to talk about their own struggles.  It humanizes things.  It normalizes what you may be feeling, so instead of feeling like “something is wrong with you,” you can understand things as “I’m a human experiencing human things.” It stands to give readers that universal salve: hope.

Fear and insecurity can really throw a wrench into the delicate gears of talking about sex with your spouse. These talks need openness and trust, but when fear and insecurity show up, they can slam the brakes on meaningful connection and understanding. One of the repeating themes is that your preferences for sex can directly speak to how you feel about yourself instead of your actions. If you feel badly about your decisions or desires, you can quickly feel badly about yourself.

Relationship conflicts are a natural part of any partnership. However, the intensity and emotional charge of these disputes can sometimes feel overwhelming, even dangerous. This perceived danger is not necessarily about physical harm but often relates to the emotional vulnerability, fear of loss, and the intensity of feelings involved. In this blog post, I delve into the reasons why relationship fights can feel so threatening and how understanding these dynamics can lead to healthier conflict resolution.

People see it as a point of pride to ignore pain (especially emotional pain) and “push through.” But how you handle this emotional discomfort can profoundly impact the intimacy and durability of yo

A zero-sum game is when one person's win is exactly the same as another person's loss. In simpler terms, it's like thinking that for you to get something good, someone else has to give something up. When you look at relationships this way, it can cause some pretty big problems:

Raising kids is like being on a rollercoaster that doesn't have a pause button. It's thrilling, scary, and a bit chaotic all at once. And just like any wild ride, it's way better when you have someone by your side, especially when that someone is your co-parent. Getting on the same page about how to handle the ups, downs, and loop-de-loops of parenting is pretty much the secret sauce to cutting down on family drama. Here’s why teaming up is your best move to keep peace at home and make sure everyone’s on track for a smooth ride.

When we speak of being "triggered," we're referring to those moments when something in our present environment closely resembles an aspect of our past that once led us into a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. These triggers can be anything from a tone of voice, a particular phrase, a sound, or even a smell that catapults us back to a moment of intense emotional response. Recognizing these triggers and learning how to self-calm is essential, not just for our

Everyone has a “go-to” behavior in their part of the relationship dance. Sometimes people are “withdrawers” that recoil from difficult emotional conversations. Sometimes people are “pursuers” who seek the resolutions of these difficult emotional conversations. We’re going to delve into the experience of someone who typically assumes the role of a pursuer in relationships, exploring their attachment style and what Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) reveals about them. A word of warning. . .

As a couples therapist trained in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), I often talk to clients about Pursuers and Withdrawers (sometimes called distancers). Withdrawers in relationships exhibit a specific attachment style and face unique challenges and experiences. Today we’re going to look at some of the challenges and experiences unique to withdrawers in relationship.