There are plenty of excuses and explanations — especially during the past couple of years. It’s harmless chatting. People can’t see each other in person, so what’s wrong with making online friends? My co-worker is having a hard time and I’m just trying to be there for her. The list goes on… and so does emotional infidelity.
The numbers vary widely, but no matter how you add them up, emotional infidelity is the most common form of cheating. This is not about sexual contact. It often has nothing to do with physical proximity. As the name implies, emotional infidelity describes a particular kind of closeness with someone other than your partner.
But Can’t You Have Close Friends?
Of course, you can. But there are boundaries in close friendships. You don’t deal with emotional or sexual tension with your BFF. An emotional affair is one that blurs all these lines. It may start as a friendship with a colleague, neighbor, or Facebook friend. However, at some point, things changed and got secretive.
Let’s just use the golden rule. What would you say if your spouse or partner acted the same way as you with one of their friends or co-workers? Would you be fine with it? Would you be ok with the behavior but wonder why they never talked about their friend? Or would you start snooping because your whole nervous system is telling you,”Danger! Danger!”?
Yes, emotional affairs are different from hooking up with someone. In some cases, this can be considered more of a transgression. In the couples I see, the number one difficulty people have in physical affairs isn’t the physical act. It is the deception or betrayal. Shifting your emotional energy and attention to another person is a massive betrayal. It shows up in subtle but insidious ways.
Common Signs of Emotional Cheating
You’re regularly interacting with a person without mentioning it to your partner
Things develop to where you are more often interacting with or thinking about this new person than your spouse
An obsession with this person’s social media posts
You miss them when you’re not communicating with them
Comparing this “secret” person to your partner
You complain about your relationship to them
You get very excited when you see they’ve messaged you
When something big happens — good or bad — you tell this person first
You know this person is attracted to you, but you keep the connection going
You feel less connected to your partner — emotionally and physically
Hiding texts from your partner
If asked about it by your partner, you become defensive
Truth be told, you feel close to the other person than you do to your partner
Dealing With and Recovering From Emotional Infidelity
Investigate Responsibly
When I work with couples, I help them understand what’s happening with them. The number one thing about being the affair-affected partner is that you can’t un-know things. It’s understandable to want to know the true extent of the infidelity. Is it actually helpful to know what specific acts they engaged in? Probably not. When it comes to emotional infidelity, it can seem like it would be protective to read more of the affair-involved partner’s texts. But remember that at some point your body may tell you you’ve reached a limit. Listen to that. Honor it. You don’t need more trauma than you can handle.
Voice Your Personal Concerns
Be as plain as you can about how their interaction was hurtful. You can ask that they own the betrayal. It can seem really easy to brush some of these actions off. If that happens, you can say,”Now you’re not taking responsibility for how hurtful your actions are.”
You can use the golden-rule of thumb: Would you be ok if I spoke to my co-worker like that? Would you be ok if I went to happy hour and drove them home? Would you be ok if I didn’t tell you about all these things?
Take Time to Grieve
Once an emotional affair has been exposed, you’ll have plenty of emotions. Feel what you need to feel. Do not let your partner downplay your reaction. Trust has been broken, and you have every right to be angry, sad, and more.
From there, you’ll both have some big decisions to make. The cheating partner has to take accountability. They have to apologize and show remorse. The betrayed partner needs to find ways to trust again. All of this is way easier said than done. That’s where affair recovery comes into play.
Couples therapy is an ideal venue for addressing the avalanche of emotions caused by infidelity. I have worked with many couples in situations like this. I know you can repair the damage and rebuild the trust. I’d love to talk with you both about this process.
If you’re ready to address infidelity and move forward in your relationship, check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom). Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the orange button on that page to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.
I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.