Couples screw up asking for what they need all the time. Vulnerable disclosure? I do it too. Why is it so hard? Because it often comes at a time of vulnerability - a time of need. A lot of time, “giving feedback” is really a form or criticism instead of asking for what you need. When you ask for what you need, you are already saying, “please help me,” and the other person can reply, ”no.” That would hurt, wouldn’t it?

How Couples Get Stuck: Drawbacks of Criticism

It’s much easier to Demand or Accuse your loved one instead of asking for what you need. Criticism gives responsibility to the other person and it keeps you from revealing any pain or fear. But here are the drawbacks:

• It is more likely to provoke a fight.

• Since blame gives all the responsibility to the other person, it also implies that only they have the power to change the situation.

• Blame removes vulnerability. Showing vulnerability by asking someone for what you need lowers the temperature in the room. Vulnerability in the room calms people.

The 6 Steps of Asking

This process is taken from Terry Real. He’s a master therapist on the East Coast who has a lot of good stuff to say for couples trying to make things work. I’ve Modified his 2 step+ 4 step method and actually just called it 6 steps. And this isn’t focused on “telling the other person what they did wrong.” It’s focused on telling the other person what you need.

1. Remember your loved one isn’t your enemy. If you’re unable to remember this, then you need to calm yourself before asking, because it won’t come out like asking. It will come out like fighting.

2. Contract for conversation. Ask,”Is this a good time to talk about ______?” Don’t wake up at midnight and start unloading on the other person. That kind of behavior pushes people away. You’re asking for the person to help you.

3. Talk about behaviors or events. Start as cleanly as you can. Anyone who’s had a quarterly review at work understands this kind of language. “When you brought home that cake while I’m still in the middle of my diet…”

4. Talk about the story you made up in your head. I tell my clients to start off using that language. Using “the story I made up in my head” does two things: it acknowledges your struggle AND it tells the other person that it may all be made up. It says “I’m struggling” plus “I have the humility to acknowledge I may be full of it.” I cover this step more fully in my article on “The Story I Made Up In My Head.”

5. Talk about how you feel. Here’s a pro-tip: don’t talk about range/ anger/ irritation/ frustration/ annoyance. Why? Those are emotions that are all on the “anger spectrum.” Those emotions are there to help you protect yourself when you feel other, more vulnerable emotions. When you start highlighting the emotions that are most likely the ones leading you to fight, how do you think it will land? You’ve got it. You’ll start fighting again.

   Did the incident make you feel alone? Did it make you feel scared? Did it make you sad? Did you feel joyful? Were you anxious/nervous/worried? Were you grateful? All of these have something that those anger-spectrum emotions don’t have -vulnerability.

6. Ask for what you need. It can be a big ask like,”I’d like you to apologize for the way you talked to me on our car ride home.” Or it can be a smaller one like,”I want to understand why you seemed so angry. I didn’t think I did anything wrong.”

The Last Thing

Okay, so here’s a last thing that may be considered the 7th step: Let it go. You’ve made your bid. Your loved one will probably respond, and it won’t likely look how you want it. How did they do it right? How can you feedback to them the stuff they did right without criticizing them too?

Don’t You Deserve Better?

Maybe. But criticizing will likely land you in another battle. Asking vulnerably is the only way to maximize the chance your partner or spouse can respond in a heartfelt manner. If neither of you have had much practice doing this in your relationship, then it makes sense that both of you will screw it up at some point. That’s ok. It doesn’t feel fantastic, but it’s ok. If you’re doing something new, you’re at the edge of your competence, and that means you’re maximizing your learning.

I also don’t like to talk about what people “deserve.” It’s an entitled position, and as adults, we have to earn the trust and intimacy we want in our relationships. If the other person isn’t reciprocating the way we want, we need to ask vulnerable questions about why that is and be prepared to do some real listening.

Don’t Stand For Bad Relationships: Get Vulnerable

This method of asking is really a way of being more vulnerable with each other. When you try to hid behind anger or irritation, either by “getting big” or by “going away,” you don’t make much progress with your relationship - you actually get a big dollop of mud under your tire. Then pressing on the gas pedal gets you more stuck. Take a look at my article on going slow to go fast and you’ll see what I mean.

You Can Get Help

People get help with their financial planning or their physical health. If you want your relationship health to be good too, you’ll need to put time and energy on it. You may also need to get help. How many people change their own oil? How many people repair their own dented cars?

If you’re in Minnesota, I can help. My office is in Edina, near Southdale Mall. I’ve helped many couples by video, so if you’re further away, you can meet via video. You can email me at my contact page, call me by phone: 612.230.7171. Or you can click on the orange button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone conversation. Take good care.