How do you keep track of something that people will go to extremes to hide? Sure, there is research on infidelity. Esther Perel in her book “State of Affairs” states:
Because there is no universally agreed-upon definition of what constitutes infidelity, estimates of its prevalence among American couples vary widely, ranging from 26 to 70 percent for women and from 33 to 75 percent for men.
But wait - to accurately answer the question in this post’s title requires a little more questioning. We also have to agree on a definition of “infidelity.”
What Is Infidelity?
Traditionally, someone is seen as cheating when they have sex with someone other than their spouse. Of course, this doesn’t take into account that people can have emotional affairs. Oh, and open relationships can have agreed upon terms that allow for sex, but can still have ways that partners can betray one another. That aside, infidelity can take many forms, e.g.:
Having sex with another person whether it’s ongoing or a one-night stand
Soliciting a prostitute
Offering more of yourself emotionally to someone other than your partner
Confiding in someone else at the expense of your spouse
Flirting in person or online
Sexting
Considering that much of the above can occur at a distance, it’s no surprise that infidelity is believed to have increased during the lockdowns. For example, one dating site that caters to cheating married people saw a dramatic surge in members in 2020 and 2021.
Why Do People Choose Infidelity?
Needless to say, reasons can vary from person to person. Some common themes do exist, though:
A desire to try out different sex acts or a different sexual preference
Feeling dissatisfaction with your relationship
Revenge
Sabotage
Lack of self-control
Substance abuse (lowers inhibitions)
Being unwilling to do the hard work of sustaining a healthy bond with your spouse
Boredom
So, How Common Is Infidelity?
All of the above adds up to further muddy the waters. Unless the cheating has been witnessed, we are reliant on self-reporting. This is never a dependable source. In one study, two groups of women were asked if they had ever cheated. Of the women asked in person, only one percent said yes. For those given an anonymous questionnaire, the number rose to 6 percent. Either way, these results don’t come close to matching the numbers I cited above.
Then we have the uncertainty as to what constitutes cheating. One person may view an online connection as cheating while the other does not. Therefore, can we confidently state that infidelity has occurred? Is this even the most productive goal?
A Therapist’s Perspective
Some couples come to me with a disagreement as to whether there was infidelity. One person can claim that it was an affair (emotional affairs are the most contested), and the other person can claim innocence. Here’s the problem - there’s only both of those narratives. I’m not a private investigator. I can’t tell you what exactly happened. But I can tell you that one person is hurt. If you want to save your relationship or marriage, your spouse’s pain is the most important fact to pay attention to.
Can We Learn from the Prevalence of Infidelity?
For starters, we know it damages relationships, can result in sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancies and is detrimental to the mental health of both partners. But, perhaps more importantly, we must learn that such betrayal can be avoided. It requires commitment and work but what greater direction to aim your efforts?
Some Steps to Take to Avoid Infidelity
Communication: Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Leave no room for crossed signals or misinterpretations.
Transparency: Resist the urge to keep things from each other. Talk openly about your feelings and about the people in your life.
Clear, Healthy Boundaries: Decide as a couple how you define infidelity.
Talk to a Counselor: (see below)
I’ve worked with countless couples on a wide range of issues. Couples therapy is an ideal way to preempt the resentment, boredom, or dissatisfaction that can contribute to cheating. Let’s connect for a free and confidential consultation. It’s a powerful way to check in with each other and avoid future problems.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom). Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the orange button on that page to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.