The interweb has helped turn the do-it-yourself (DIY) ethic into a movement. With just a few clicks, you can unclog a toilet, deal with a sprained ankle, and bounce back from an extramarital affair. Wait… what? Some things, contrary to recency bias, are best not tackled alone.
If your partner has cheated on you, it’s not likely you’ll find the path to recovery on YouTube. Such a scenario has derailed many a relationship. Infidelity unleashes a cascade of emotions and can leave a permanent scar. There are some really, really good reasons to consult with a couples therapist.
The Sting of Betrayal
Infidelity is common. When defined broadly, it can impact 7 out of 10 marriages. This number includes emotional affairs, online connections, sexting, pornography, and more. However you and your partner choose to perceive cheating, it is a betrayal of trust. Rebuilding that trust can be a long and onerous task.
Regardless of who initiated the infidelity, this situation can provoke feelings like:
Confusion
Anger
Guilt
Shame
Shock
Uncertainty
Grief
Loneliness
A crucial component of your bond feels severed. Both of you may agree to do the work of addressing this trauma. Due to the lack of trust, it just may not be possible to do so without a skilled guide to assist you.
3 Reasons DIY Infidelity Recovery Is Hard To Do
1. A Narrative Must Be Created and Shared
For many couples, communication is a struggle without the added burden of infidelity. Working with a relationship counselor after an affair allows you to enhance communication while focusing on the issues at hand. Without such mediation, you can get easily stuck in the emotions.
This process requires the creation of a narrative. Both partners need to know precisely what happened. Also, they need to analyze the factors that occurred beforehand or concurrently. For the “affair-uninvolved” partner, this can be healing. Research shows that the chances for recovery increase when the “affair-involved” partner is guided into a full disclosure of details.
2. Setting a Recovery Agenda
With a therapist on hand, the recovery agenda can get highjacked. Here’s the scoop: The person who cheated must not tell their partner how and how quickly to handle the shocking news. The affair-uninvolved spouse cannot be rushed or pressured. To be blunt, the person who committed the infidelity must relinquish almost all control of the process.
If you are the affair-involved partner, you initially have a few essential tasks:
Disclose all details of the affair
Cut off all contact with the other person in the affair
Take responsibility and provide an authentic apology
Give your partner space and time to process the situation and articulate their needs
All of that adds up to a mighty tall order to be accomplished DIY-style.
3. The Elements of “Moving On”
Each couple decides what “moving on” means. How to create this blueprint is initially the issue. Prior to the affair, you may have already felt like you were having the same conversations (and arguments) over and over. An experienced therapist can help you slow things down. This step helps reveal your underlying emotions.
On the surface, there’s anger. That anger can derail the healing process. With the support of a counselor, you can both dig deeper. That’s where you’ll find what you need to find. That’s how “moving on” (whatever that means to you) becomes possible.
I’m a fan of the DIY ethic. But I also recognize the importance of asking for help. Whether I work with you together or individually, I can be a source of help during your toughest times. If you’re ready to address infidelity and move forward in your relationship, check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom). Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the orange button on that page to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.
I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.